


mate

by onthighsbelongtotaemin



Category: SHINee
Genre: Angst, Arranged Marriage, Friendship, M/M, Omega Verse, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-22
Updated: 2017-08-25
Packaged: 2018-08-10 10:33:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 30,543
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7841374
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/onthighsbelongtotaemin/pseuds/onthighsbelongtotaemin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>when taemin is five he meets a boy and falls in love.<br/>when taemin is twenty he learns what love is.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prequel

when taemin is five he meets a boy and falls in love. 

it is a simple love, a chaste love, a love of a child. 

he is five and he is wandering through the woods on the edge of town, cautions about the dangers that lurk within the thick and foreboding trees a distant thought to his young mind as he has been dared to explore and he is not one to back down from a challenge.  instead of danger he stumbles upon another child, a boy, who is sitting beneath a towering fir, a book in his hand and his feet tucked under his knees.  taemin tilts his head as he stares, taking in the feature of the obviously older boy as he reads, his brows furrowed in concentration and his tongue poking out of the corner of his mouth.  he is beautiful and taemin wants to know his name so he abruptly pipes up with “hi I’m taemin and I’m five.  what’s your name?” to which the beautiful boy throws his book in the air and lets out a startled shriek so loud it echoes through the forest.  it is the most delightful thing taemin has seen and heard in all of his five years and he falls to the ground in laughter, his arms gripped about his waist as he laughs and laughs, dirt and foliage smearing his clothes. 

the boy is not amused.

but after a wasted diatribe on why it’s rude to sneak up on people, he glances about, uncertainty in his movements and he questions taemin as to whether he is alone or not, did anyone follow him?  taemin shakes his head, puffing out his chest.

“i came by myself because jongin said that I wouldn’t and I’m not afraid of anything but jongin is and he wouldn’t come but i did because i’m not afraid of anything.”  the boy stares at him for a minute, seemingly uncertain of what to do next.  taemin stares back, still enraptured by the elder.  finally taemin breaks the silence by asking the boy what he’s reading, pointing at the pages scattered in the dirt.

“it looks big.” he says with a toothy grin.  the boy glances down at the ground, his book forgotten during his diatribe about manners, and he picks it up, dusting off the leaves and debris.

“it’s just a book.” he says bashfully, embarrassed even in front of this child to have attention brought to his bookworm nature.  he braces for the teasing he’s so accustomed to receiving but instead taemin asks if he’ll read to him.

“i love books.” he says sincerely, his eyes wide and hopeful.  though hesitant, the boy agrees to let him sit next to him, swearing taemin to secrecy about the location of his secret reading nook.  taemin is eager to comply, excited to be entrusted with a secret that he’s sure he’ll be able to keep, even from jongin.  as they settle back down a thought occurs to taemin and he looks over at the older boy and asks, “by the way, how old are you and what’s your name?”  the boy smiles and says, “i’m eight.  my name is jinki.” 

“jinki.”, taemin repeats.  he smiles at that.  he smiles because he is five and as jinki begins to read again, this time out loud as taemin sits next to him, elbows folded over his bare knees, taemin falls in love.

~

taemin’s childlike adoration lasts for three years. 

for three years he is jinki’s shadow, following him everywhere, even just to sit with him in the forest, a hand absently resting on jinki’s knee as he listens to the soft murmur of the other boy reading aloud.  it is a habit they’ve developed, meeting up on purpose and on accident, jinki escaping into his world of literature and fantasy, words and ideas, and taemin just following him, occasionally bringing his own book to read.  they are friends but there’s a distance.  jinki is three years older and that gap is keenly felt as taemin tries to keep up, as he watches jinki move ahead of him in everything. 

everything except dance. 

taemin began taking courses as soon as he was able to walk and there have been very few amongst his peers who have been able to exceed his skills, among them his best friend jongin. 

the first time taemin watches jinki dance he is surprised. 

he doesn’t understand how someone so beautiful could move with so little grace: he doesn’t understand how the two things he loves most in this world don’t love each other. 

but it is a fact: jinki is a skilled dancer but he doesn’t feel the rhythm in his soul, it’s not his calling and taemin is saddened by the realization.  he is grateful for jinki’s interest in his art, attending taemin’s recitals even when he’s not obligated to.  in return, taemin is at every single one of jinki’s vocal performances.  he had known that jinki had a beautiful voice from the first moment they met in the forest.  but the day he heard him sing changed everything for taemin; it was a revelation.  what jinki lacks in dance he more than exceeds in song.  while dance is taemin’s passion singing is jinki’s and taemin marvels at the beauty of jinki’s voice, how simple words become something intricate and beautiful when he gives them voice.  but then jinki presents as an omega and taemin’s world shifts.  taemin knows the differences between alphas, betas, and omegas and he knows what jinki being an omega will mean.  and he is right, though things change slowly.

 ~

taemin is eleven when he presents as an alpha. 

jinki is getting older and spending more time with friends closer to his own age, spending far less time hidden away in the forest where jinki’s blossoming omega scent could attract unwanted attention, and his isolation leaves him vulnerable, and with far less time with taemin. 

they hardly see each other anymore.

 ~

when taemin is fourteen he begins assisting the instructors in training the younger dancers, specifically those who have yet reached maturity.  it’s during their annual festival performance, the celebration of alphas and omegas pledged to be bonded that season, that one of his fellow dancers, a beta named kibum, introduces him to his friends: a beta named minho and an omega named jinki.  taemin nearly faints at the sight of his old friend, struck by how stunning jinki has become, even more beautiful than when he first saw him through a child’s eye. 

jinki is tall for an omega, strong-bodied with muscles in all the right places, biceps and calves flexing at every turn, and soft curves where one least expects them.  he greets taemin with a smile and a hug, the skin of his arms and shoulders soft against taemin’s palms as he leans into the embrace and it takes everything in his power to not scent jinki there in the middle of the crowd.  when they pull apart and jinki flashes him a smile taemin has never seen before, one of confidence and equanimity, taemin finds himself suddenly falling deeply, irrationally, in love.  they exchange numbers and begin hanging out again, in groups mostly, acting as cheerleaders at minho’s football matches, or supporting jinki’s new friend jonghyun as he recites his poetry at obscure coffee shops and art galleries.  for the next two years taemin spends as much time with jinki as he can, just enjoying being in his presence again, to hear his voice, his laughter, and to see his smile; he’s grateful their spheres have reconnected. 

but it can’t last. 

because jinki is an omega and the first time taemin caught a whiff of his scent in heat he nearly claimed him on the spot.  and when jinki disappeared with minho taemin nearly lost his mind in a dizzying combination of worry, rage, and lust.  he tolerates it because in his mind jinki is already his, the formal declaration and claim will be made as soon as he’s of age.  that he has never expressed these thoughts and feelings to jinki doesn’t stop him from believing in their inevitable outcome: he will be jinki’s alpha.  he believes this up until the day he finds jinki and jonghyun kissing in jonghyun’s car while on his way to meet up with jinki to go to another of minho’s football matches. 

it is not the shock of seeing jinki in the embrace of another man that breaks taemin’s heart, after all jonghyun’s an omega and can make no claim on jinki.  no, it’s the full-fledged dreamy smile on his face when the two pull apart.  it’s that smile, that look, that expression of adoration and contentment that taemin has been dying to see on jinki’s face for over two years, to be the cause of.  it hits him hard and fast that nothing jinki has ever done or said to him would suggest that he saw taemin as anything more than a friend.  taemin turns around and walks away.  when jinki texts him later to ask where he is he doesn’t respond.  he never responds and when jinki shows up at his doorstop he ignores the knocks and waits for him to go away, sitting on the other side of the door weeping over the loss of his first love.

 ~

taemin is seventeen when he meets a beta named junmyeon and for two years he convinces himself that he’s happy because he is. 

he finds contentment in junmyeon’s arms, his scent, his bed, the kisses and caresses, whispers in the night and smiles in the day.  he loves junmyeon, he’s sure of it, but he never finds himself in love with this man.  and near the end it becomes clear that junmyeon feels the same way and when taemin finds his boyfriend’s eyes drifting towards another alpha he encourages him to go.  there’s no heartbreak, there’s no sorrow.  just peace as he watches his former lover fall madly in love with a tall lanky alpha with a wolfish smile.  they remain friends, they remain good friends and when junmyeon is bonded that year taemin is there in the crowd, watching with a smile on his face because he is glad, he is so glad that junmyeon has found the love he couldn’t find it within himself to give him for all those years, that junmyeon has found the love he deserves and that taemin just doesn’t have for him. 

he decides in that moment to put himself up for bonding.

 ~

taemin is twenty and he is sitting on an old wooden bench in a park on the edge of a pavilion, under the shade of a tree, hiding from the piercing sun.  there is a crowd gathered for the annual festival of bonds, the few unmated who are of age who’ve come to present themselves for an arranged pairing, those who have not yet found a mate but are ready for bonding. 

taemin is among them. 

he is watching an omega directly across from him, laughing and leaning against the one of tallest betas, his arms folded in front of his body as his lips move in silent speech.  jinki is still beautiful and he is still friends with minho.  the day is unbearably hot and minho is shirtless and barefoot, denim shorts brushing over his knees and a silver bracelet glistening in the sunlight, signifying his family tribe.  taemin sighs at the sentiment, idly brushing his fingers over a similar band tied to his own wrist.  jinki is dressed in the sleeveless linen-colored tunic and pants of an omega presenting themselves for bonding, identical to the one taemin is wearing save for a crimson stripe down the front where taemin’s is ivory. 

he keeps his eyes on the pair, watching with a pang of jealousy as jinki continues to chat with minho, his face now turning up toward the beta in a crinkled grin that elicits an enthusiastic high-five from the taller man.  his attentions are interrupted by jongin slipping into the seat next to him, the rickety bench creaking gently beneath the added weight.

“do you have any idea the way you look at him?” taemin stiffens, glancing down at his hands, playing with the ring on his forefinger.  jongin looks down at him when taemin remains silent.

“you can always refuse, tell them you’ve changed your mind.”

“it doesn’t matter.”

“you haven’t let it go.”

“there was nothing for me to hold on to.”  jongin pauses, appraising his friend before softly uttering “yeah”, his jaw clenching momentarily before placing a warm hand on his friend’s back.  he keeps watching him, silent and studious and taemin wonders what his friend is thinking.  he doesn’t have long to wonder as the crowd falls silent, the council taking their places at the center of the pavilion, and the list of those to be bonded begins to be read.

within minutes taemin is in a panic because he thought he knew what he was playing at but he suddenly realizes he didn’t understand what it was he was truly asking of himself. 

there’s a difference between knowing and understanding and it wasn’t until jinki was walking to the podium that taemin fully grasps the magnitude of his decision. 

lee taemin is twenty and he has spent most of his life in love with lee jinki because loving jinki was as natural as breathing, as dancing, and taemin felt it with every piece of himself. 

taemin’s love for jinki is whole, vibrant, and exhilarating: loving jinki is taemin’s life. 

he is twenty and as he hears jinki’s name called, an omega about to be bonded to another, he wishes he could take every moment of silence back.  the pain in his chest is excruciating, beads of sweat forming at his temple and he knows he must look as sick as he feels by the way jongin is staring at him, a strong had firmly placed on his shoulder, the pressure both a reminder that he is not alone and a restraint should he decide to do anything foolish.  he feels his heart pound with the last bit of hope that jinki could be his mate, that he could be jinki’s alpha.  but not like this.  not like this.

taemin watches as jinki reaches the podium, his gaze to the ground, hands clasped in front of him.  seeing the confident omega so utterly ill at ease causes a soft growl to escape taemin’s throat and he feels jongin’s grip on his shoulder tighten. 

without even thinking he begins to lean forward, the words of opposition forming on his tongue as he waits for the name of the alpha to be called. 

but they dry up and blow away like the seeds of a dandelion as he hears his own name ring out.  and suddenly there is silence, a deafening loss of sound narrowed down to his own breaths as his body responds to the shock of being the alpha called to be mated with jinki.


	2. The Bond

jinki feels his stomach drop as he watches taemin make his way to the podium, a cold flush rushing through his body. 

there is applause, louder than is necessary for the moment & he thinks he hears a muttered “about time” come from behind him.  but that can’t be right, the sentiment at odds with what has just happened.  though it feels like an eternity, mere moments ago, standing here in the circle, in front of his peers & the council members, he had been waiting with anticipation to hear the name of his intended alpha, anxious to learn his fate, feeling more nervous than he had ever felt in his life. 

until now. 

he is startled by the pronouncement of taemin as his potential mate & watches with surprise & trepidation as taemin moves through the crowd to stand across from jinki, facing him but never looking his way, keeping his eyes on the council before them.  he had known taemin was a possibility, had heard that the alpha had put himself up for bonding this year, news that came to him after he had already submitted his name.  but though the number of those choosing arranged bonding was never great, the likelihood that he & taemin would be paired, an alpha younger to his omega, two men whose lives rarely converged, had seemed so unlikely that he had not given the idea much thought, expecting instead someone like sooyeon; someone closer to his age with similar interests. 

the offering of this pairing is also one he expects to be denied.

it has been three years since he & taemin last spoke, three years since they were friends.  jinki has an inkling as to what caused the friction between them but was never able to have it confirmed by taemin; the boy had stopped speaking to him by the time jinki had pieced it all together & by then it was clear that he wanted nothing to do with jinki.  so for three years jinki has left him alone, their converged social circle broken with only kibum as a tenuous tether between them, one whose offer to act as intermediary was denied by jinki in favor of respecting what he felt were taemin’s wishes against his own desire to be reconciled. 

he had seen taemin around, their community is large but it is also tight-knit & there were times when their paths indirectly crossed: annual gatherings, recitals, religious ceremonies, etc.  but he never approached the alpha, never attempted to speak to him & for two years they had maintained a stoic distance, the silence continuing to lie heavily between them.  but this year, ever since junmyeon had been bonded to another alpha jinki had been perplexed to find taemin’s gaze on him.  far too often to be coincidental, he would look up to find two dark eyes staring at him, ones that turned away at the moment of detection.  it was eerie & he wondered if taemin’s anger had been revived by junmyeon’s departure, if somehow taemin blamed him for their break-up.

what he knows for certain is that taemin has purposefully shut him out of his life for the last three years & that there is no way he will be accepting of this pairing, that he will unquestionably recite the words of rejection, a humiliating prospect that he mentally braces for.  so it is with a mixture of confusion & gratitude that he hears taemin’s affirmation of acceptance to bond with jinki as his mate.  he doesn’t understand how taemin could agree to their bonding when he has maintained his distance all these years, when even now his gaze remain fixed on the council members, seeming to purposefully avoid looking jinki in the eye. 

jinki is so stunned he barely hears the council members’ request a confirmation from himself of his willingness to bond to taemin & he is surprised to hear himself agree so freely to the pairing.  the crowd is given the option to present arguments against their bonding & when there are none, no repudiation offered, the council pronounces them intended & they are scheduled to be bonded within the fortnight.  they are ushered away from the podium, made to stand with those who’ve already been marked as intended, & the ceremony continues unabated.  it is brief.  there are not many who are of age this year who have chosen to be bonded & quite a few of those eligible have chosen their own mates, avoiding the ancient ritual in favor of autonomy.  jinki & taemin find themselves members of an elect group who have followed the traditional route & now find themselves not-quite-strangers soon to be wed.  

they stand alongside each other in the crowd of intended, jinki keeping his gaze on the rotating pairs of couples while surreptitiously eyeing the alpha beside him, taemin watching the ceremony silently, his hands clasped at his waist & his eyes straight forward.  it is uncomfortable & jinki is at a loss.  he’s not sure how he’s supposed to act in this situation, if he’s supposed to speak first or wait for the other to begin, if words should even be exchanged at all while the ceremony continues.  so he says nothing, watching & waiting for it to end, hoping that it will be soon. 

when the final couple joins their ranks & the council declares the ceremony completed, jinki turns, determined to at least attempt a conversation with taemin only to find that taemin has vanished.  & that the council members have begun making their way amongst the intended, greeting them & congratulating them on their upcoming betrothals.  panicked, he scans the pavilion for taemin, frustrated by the swarming crowd whose heads move in & out of his line of vision, hindering his search. 

jinki has never been so anxious or so angry in his whole life as they come closer & he still has no idea where his intended alpha is, wondering briefly if this is a malicious attempt to humiliate him.  at the very last moment, just as the first council member has caught his eye &, with a broad smile, begun making his way over, taemin returns, a glass of water in hand which he timidly offers to jinki with a murmured, “it’s so hot, i thought you might be thirsty”, his eyes never leaving the ground. 

jinki takes the cup quickly & watches as taemin’s visage changes as the council member reaches them, a calm smile on his face as he places a hand on the elder’s shoulder as one is placed on his, a sign of greeting.  the elder nods at jinki who bows deeply.  some words of wisdom, congratulations, & advice are shared before he continues on & the action is repeated over as the rest of the council files past them.  by the end jinki is overheated, anxious, & very tired: hearing the same words from a dozen mouths was more exhausting than he’d expected, exasperated by the tension between himself & taemin.

soon they are alone, abandoned by the crowds who have begun to disperse, those who have come to witness the ceremony either gone or scattered around the pavilion.  though the silence between them is rapidly becoming arduous taemin has made no move to leave jinki’s side leaving jinki to wonder, as he dabs at his face with the back of his hand, which has become more stifling the heat or the silence. 

their friends are waiting for them, jongin still on the wooden bench he had shared with taemin less than an hour earlier, minho & kibum now sitting under the tree whose shade they had shared with jinki before the ceremony began.  he glances at them, resisting the impulse to simply walk away from taemin & join his friends, to leave the tension & silence behind.  but he stays because he knows it is a foolish idea, one that would only exacerbate the strain between them, especially with their bonding ceremony less than a month away. 

he takes a deep breath & grips his cup with both hands. 

they have each publicly accepted this pairing & as such jinki feels some words should be exchanged between the two.  perhaps an explanation from taemin for his dramatic change in behavior all these years, why he has accepted the role of jinki’s alpha when they’ve been estranged for so long.  when he turns to taemin, his questions on the tip of his tongue, he is startled to find taemin staring at him, that same inscrutable look he’d been finding himself the recipient of for the last year.  & it hurts, a little, to have taemin in front of him, a friend he’d been certain he’d lost forever only to find himself with a stranger.  he has no idea what taemin’s look means & he can’t fathom what has made the alpha agree to be his mate, especially when it’s obvious how uncomfortable he is in jinki’s presence. 

taemin puts out his hand, confusing jinki with the gesture until taemin nods his head at jinki’s cup.  he quickly relinquishes it & watches as taemin drops it in the nearest wastebasket.  he returns, his hands in his pockets & his eyes downcast & jinki is again left to wonder what taemin is thinking. 

then, without warning, taemin looks up & they watch each other for a moment before taemin’s face softens into a gentle smile.  it is a smile jinki has not seen in so long that it actually aches to witness it now.  it is the one of a boy he had met in the woods & entrusted with his secrets, who had smiled at him as though he were the sun.  & for a brief moment jinki thinks that they will finally talk & he waits for taemin to speak. 

when it becomes clear that no words will be forthcoming jinki decides to begin but he only manages to say his name, a murmured “taemin” before taemin’s eyes grow wide, as though he suddenly remembers who he’s with & is stricken by the revelation.  as he steps back there is a stilted muttering of something that vaguely sounds like “see you later” & then he is stealing across the pavilion, long thin legs taking him away from jinki, rushing into the trees, followed swiftly by jongin, & then disappearing from jinki’s sight.

jinki stands there for a moment, stunned & confused, more so than ever.  however, there is a new emotion, one melding into the others.  lee taemin has agreed to be his alpha.  within the fortnight he will be bonded & mated to this man, a stranger he once knew, one whose actions are perplexing & one whose history with jinki makes his acceptance of their match baffling.  but despite this, despite everything, jinki is not as concerned as he was, as perhaps he should be because he saw taemin smile.  taemin smiled at jinki & from this small gesture jinki has gleaned something unexpected: hope. 

~

taemin sits under a tree staring at his feet, absently uprooting clumps of grass.  it is the same tree he stumbled across when jongin dared him to enter the forest all those years ago, the one he found jinki silently reading under on the day they met.  it has been years since he has ventured out this far, longer even than his estrangement with jinki, but today he felt somehow drawn here, an impulse to revisit a locus wherein so many memories where formed. 

ten days have passed since their arrangement was formalized & taemin has spent that time arranging his home for the arrival of the omega, relying on jongin to ensure that he misses nothing, the input of his best friend greatly appreciated.  he had been overwhelmed with thoughts & fears of what he should & should not do in preparation & it had nearly kept him from taking action at all.  at jongin’s recommendation he has bought nothing, not even things he was certain he should have because what he owns are worn & old.  but jongin has pointed out that jinki may want to have a say in the purchases & so taemin waits, anxious to discover, when jinki comes, whether he is making the right choice.  it is just one of many decisions he’s made recently that has brought him to seek out solace under this tree.

today marks the beginning of the official ceremonies of bonding, ones wherein the pair will be marked, blessed, & wed.  two days of ceremonies that will be performed by the religious elite & with only those closest to the pair present.  the mehndi ritual is scheduled to commence in a few hours, one of the final steps before their bonding ceremony.  jinki will be there, his hands & feet soon to be adorned with henna & there will be a seat for taemin whereupon he will have his own hands marked.  there is nothing left for taemin to do but to attend, a task made simple as these final days are designed to be as relaxed for the couple as can be.  their clothes, their food, & their shelter will all be provided for them.  tonight they will sleep in cottages set aside for bonding pairs: a separation from their present life to prepare them for their future one.  taemin doesn’t want to think about it now, doesn’t want to think about how soon they will be left alone & he will no longer be able to hide, doesn’t want to think about what a coward he is being. 

this last year he had often found his gaze falling on jinki, felt his anger slowly soften to wistfulness, had hoped, albeit briefly, when heard that jinki had also put himself up for bonding that they would be matched.  it was a thought he had quickly put aside as he knew it was nothing more than the remnants of his silly childhood fantasies, his desire for jinki to be happy ultimately superseding his selfish desires. 

However, now, faced with his past dreams becoming his future, he finds himself reminiscing, thinking about how simple he had believed it all to be & laughing at his naivety.  this is not how he imagined their lives would be & he knows that the future he used to dream about, one that is in certain ways soon to become real, cannot be as he hoped it would when he was young because it has been so very long, too long, since they have been friends; three years & until a week ago he had not spoken one word to jinki.  he grimaces as he remembers that the count is now up to twelve.  & none of them what he wanted, what he needs to say.

he groans, taking a break from ripping up the grass to grab at clumps of his own hair, tugging at the strands in frustration.  the truth was that he had kept away from jinki out of his own prideful humiliation. 

he had felt betrayed by his own heart for convincing him that jinki could ever love him back, love him the way that he loved jinki & jinki’s acceptance of taemin’s withdrawal had felt too fast, too easy, as though his absence was of no consequence.  & so he turned that pain into anger & held it close for years, the only emotion he would allow to be associated with the loss of jinki.  it was in this mindset that he met junmyeon a few months later.  junmyeon was one of the kindest, gentlest men taemin had ever known & it crossed his mind briefly that junmyeon’s mannerisms & character were comfortably familiar.  he brushed the thoughts aside, arguing to himself that junmyeon was a completely different person, one who would never betray him. 

taemin groans again, his fingers back in the grass.  it seems so impossible that he could have convinced himself that jinki was ever in the wrong, that he was the reason for the dissolution of their friendship.  but he had convinced himself & so he turned to junmyeon with a smile & with hope.  in return he received soft kisses & warm embraces, lust & affection melded together that left him breathless in the night & with junmyeon in his arms in the morning.  it was nice, it was so nice & he knows he loved junmyeon, loved him then & loves him now.  but he was never in love with him, as much as he wanted to be, as much as he tried to convince himself he was, & by the time junmyeon’s eyes began to wander it was clear to both of them that they were better as friends than as lovers, as much as they enjoyed being both.  & they could have been satisfied, they would have had a fine life together.  but they would always know that there could have been more, that they wanted more.  & junmyeon was the one to find it first. 

taemin never begrudged him that.  he was happy for junmyeon, though he was envious of how smoothly it seemed to happen for junmyeon, how the one he loved had loved him back & how the radiant smile on his face was reflected in the other’s.  it was what he had always dreamed of happening between himself & jinki.  it was what made him begin to understand how selfish he had been, how foolish & immature.  how he had wasted years.  & how he is wasting precious moment now. 

it has been over a week since their arrangement &, despite jongin’s prodding, taemin has still not spoken with jinki.  he can’t face him, not yet & he is running out of time.  he brushes his fingers idly through the grass, the soft stalks vibrating against his skin.  why did he say yes?  why did jinki say yes?  it occurs to him that he doesn’t even know why jinki put himself up for bonding.  it’s all so confusing & fast, his brain is muggy & his chest hurts.  he has so many questions, so much to explain.  he owes jinki an apology, of that he has no doubt & as he stands, brushing the random bits of grass off his pants, he wonders when he will have courage enough to offer it.  

~

the artist painting his hands is silent & focused, her head titled to one side, an omega whose bond mark resembles a lotus blossom, the henna in her cone dark & wet against jinki’s skin.  seeing the beautiful design adorning her neck makes him want to feel his own, to brush his fingers against the skin still smooth before it becomes overlaid by whatever pattern taemin’s touch will produce.  he stifles the urge though he cannot stifle the shiver the thought of being marked causes to course through his body, prompting the omega to look up, her brows furrowed in concern. 

he shakes his head & smiles, indicating that everything is fine & she nods, returning his smile before turning her attentions back to painting his hands, the stillness of the room broken only by the occasional sound of the omegan artist shifting in her seat

they have placed him on a sofa, soft & buffered by pillows behind his back & under each arm.  refreshments are offered to him regularly, sweets & drinks to keep him hydrated & sated while the artist marks him as an omega intended.

as the cool ink continues to be applied to his palms he glances around, noting that scattered throughout the room are vases filled with delicate bouquets of lily of the valley & deep red votive jars flickering with lit candles.  neither the fragrance of the flowers not the candles’ scent of vanilla in the air is doing much to calm jinki’s nerves though at any other time the combination would be quite soothing.  today they are just tangible reminders of how quickly the days leading up to his bonding ceremony are passing.  already his feet have been decorated with omegan betrothal designs, his hands nearly half-finished.  though he knows there will be more, that he will be here long into the night he is enjoying the reprieve from the activities of the past week. 

he has spent the last ten days packing up his possessions, giving away the things he no longer needs or that he simply doesn’t want to take with him, & cleaning his modest home as he prepares to leave it behind.  he is quite tired from it all & is relieved to be finally resting, having happily anticipated the solitude of this ceremony.  still, he can’t seem to keep his gaze from falling on the empty space across from him, a second sofa where his prospective mate would have been seated if he’d chosen to attend the ritual. 

taemin’s own hands are to be marked as well with similar, albeit far less elaborate designs to signify his role as an alpha intended.  it seems, however, as time progresses & his continued absence becomes more obvious, that he has chosen not to attend with jinki, to instead be marked separately.  it is not surprising.  jinki has neither seen nor spoken to him since the afternoon their names were announced & he had not anticipated his presence today.  the bit of hope he had felt as taemin walked away then has slowly grown dimmer with every day that has passed, every moment taemin continues to not speak to jinki. 

he begins to ruminate on their future & becomes so lost in his thoughts that he doesn’t hear the door open, doesn’t hear the footsteps approaching him from down the hall.  suddenly taemin is standing before him & jinki can’t help but wonder if he’s imagining the other’s presence.  he appears tired, clothes slightly rumpled & he smells of the outdoors, of the forest.  a memory rises unbidden of a boy stumbling upon him in the woods, of a hand that used to rest on his thigh, & he blinks it away, too distracted by taemin’s abrupt arrival to concern himself with nostalgia. 

taemin takes a seat upon the second sofa, glancing up briefly to meet jinki’s gaze before looking away, a faint blush dusting his cheeks.  they are soon joined by two omegas who bring taemin his own selection of drink & sweets before disappearing, quickly replaced by a third who sets up a small table for taemin to rest his hands on & a stool for themselves.  gradually taemin’s hands develop their own designs, the thin lines of mehndi covering his palms & the back of his hands.  jinki watches quietly, his own hands disappearing under the dark paste, hoping the alpha will look up again. 

instead he is met with nothing but silence, taemin’s eyes fixed on the table before him.  all too quickly the artists finish their designs, pack up their kits, & the two find themselves alone.  still no words are exchanged & the stress of the quiet begins to wear on jinki.  more than once he finds himself on the verge of speech, of asking the one question he needs answered but that he cannot find the words to ask, he cannot think of what to say when there is so much that needs to be said.  & he remembers what happened the last time he had tried, how taemin’s smile had disappeared at the sound of his voice & so he chooses to remain mute.  they share nothing but the silence. 

~

their ceremony has been quick so far which has jinki both anxious & relieved.  it’s a bit unnerving to be the center of attention, as small a group as there is in attendance, but he also knows that when it ends he will be alone with taemin, truly alone.  it’s a thought that he gently shoves aside, choosing instead to focus on the moments as they happen.  per the officiant’s instruction, taemin pulls a ring out of the pocket of his tunic, murmuring the bond oath as recited to him & jinki thinks he catches a flash of writing inside the band, some form of inscription that he will have to wait until after the ceremony to read. 

when taemin finishes his oath, jinki holds his hand out, palm up, a gesture of submission as taemin slides the ring onto the middle finger of his left hand.  he is holding jinki’s fingers with his spare hand, a touch that is unnecessary & a bit intimate, one that causes a gentle flutter to settle in jinki’s chest.  the cold metal, to his relief, slips comfortably onto his finger.  he has always been self-conscious about the length & width of his fingers & had panicked briefly this morning when he was struck with the thought that taemin’s ring for him would not be able to fit onto his stubby fingers, forgetting that their ring sizes had been measured when they had individually gone to be fitted for their bonding attire; he had been embarrassed to discover how much thinner taemin’s fingers were than his own. 

the contrast between their physiques is again evident in the garments they wear now, the cut of their suits emphasizing both taemin’s slimmer figure & jinki’s more muscular physique.  the suits are similar to those worn at their arrangement though they are now a golden color & made of silk patterned with threads of ivory & crimson, to match the individual stripe down the front of their tunics & with sleeves that reach their wrists. 

swallowing nervously, jinki reaches into the hidden pocket of his tunic & pulls out his ring for taemin.  it is a simple silver band with a thin braided design threaded over the top & bottom of the ring.  he too recites the oath before he slips the metal band over taemin’s waiting finger, managing to do so without touching the alpha’s skin.  it amazes him how steady his hand is when on the inside it feels as though even his nerves are quivering. 

they still haven’t looked at each other, their every action dictated by the religious elder officiating their ceremony & as yet no instruction to meet each other’s eyes has been given so their gazes remain averted. 

jinki’s focus is distracted by thoughts of the future, of how their life together will unfold.  he is bonding with taemin, this is the alpha he will rely on for security, sex, & siring yet he is uncertain how reliable taemin will actually be for any of these things; they still haven’t spoken leaving him with no answers, only trepidation.  he knows taemin would never be cruel, of that he has full conviction, yet so much depends on his good graces & jinki can’t help but wonder what he will have to do to obtain them.

to keep himself from submerging beneath the rising tide of his own apprehension, jinki distracts himself by focusing on his hands.  the mehndi is dark & delicate against his pale skin, intricate designs that caress his palms, wrap around his fingertips, travel down the back of his hands, & end in a lattice pattern just above his wrists: gloves made of lace.  a similar design is drawn over to tops of his feet & toes.  glancing at taemin’s hands & feet he had seen the same design though far less ornate.  

while jinki’s hands were completely covered, only the palms & the back of taemin’s hands had been marked, a lattice design resting across his knuckles & his feet remained bare.  he flushes at the thought of the mehndi applied to his back, the design flowing smoothly from his shoulders to his waist.  while the designs on his hands & feet are meant to draw attention to his new status as a bonded omega, the ones hidden beneath his clothes are meant to be seen only by the one who claims him.  he notices how, unlike himself, taemin is dark & tan, the mehndi looking more natural & less harsh against the skin of taemin’s hands than of his own & for the first time he allows himself to wonder what it will feel like to have those hands touching him.  his heart skips a beat as he realizes how soon he will know.

~

the ceremony is coming to an end & there is only one last ritual that needs to be performed for their bonding ceremony to be complete.  the elder directs taemin to step forward, a command that taemin hesitates to obey, turning his gaze to jinki & willing the omega to look at him.  when taemin fails to move & the silence grows long, jinki glances up in confusion, catching the alpha’s eye.  they watch each other for a moment, taemin’s apprehension inscribed on his face, his movements restrained until he receives jinki’s permission to continue.  jinki’s face softens in understanding & he flashes taemin a gentle smile & the briefest nod before tilting his head to the side & turning his gaze away, his eyes slipping shut.  taemin would prefer that they maintain eye contact, he wants to see jinki’s face during these final moments but he knows that what is about to occur makes such a wish impossible to fulfill.  the elder is still waiting & taemin can delay no longer & now that he is assured of jinki’s consent he no longer wants to, his desire to fulfill this final obligation overwhelming. 

he steps forward until he is directly in front of jinki, can hear his breath & feel the heat resonating off his body.  he pauses to take in the profile of the awaiting omega, memorizing jinki’s face as it was before taemin commits this last act, one that can never be undone, & one he hopes jinki will not regret agreeing to.

placing his hands on either of jinki’s shoulders, feeling the omega’s muscled arms beneath his palms, he leans towards jinki’s neck & gently bites down, closing his eyes as he hear jinki’s gentle gasp, his teeth tearing through the soft skin & breaking the sac hidden within.  his heart is thumping & it is difficult to catch his breath as he feels jinki physically relax, the omega instinctively submitting to the dominance of his alpha, a contented sigh whispered through his lips. 

when the time comes for taemin to release jinki he does so as gently as he can, kissing the red mark forming over jinki’s skin & nuzzling the tender flesh.  he stands that way for a moment, his nose buried in the crook of jinki’s neck, arms still resting on the omega’s shoulders, feeling the rise & fall of his chest with every breath.  to his surprise & relief, he feels jinki’s hands cup his elbows, stubby fingers gripping at his arms, his head resting against taemin’s shoulder. 

they remain this way, their soft breaths the only sound in the enveloping silence until the gentle rustling of the elder’s robe reminds him that they are not alone & taemin reluctantly steps away. 

he watches jinki’s face as the omega slowly opens his eyes, his body still lax & his cheeks flushed.  the elder is speaking now, reciting the verses that will bring the bonding ceremony to its completion & as taemin keeps his eyes on his mate’s visage, as he feels his heart beat faster when jinki raises his eyes & meets taemin’s gaze, he hears the elder’s final words, an unnecessary declaration of what taemin already knows, what he feels when he looks into jinki’s eyes: taemin is now jinki’s alpha. 


	3. Luna Mellea I

the hug his mate is swept up in is too close for taemin’s comfort, & a low growl emanates from his throat toward the offending beta.  he’s abruptly distracted by kibum’s embrace & a consoling whisper of “let it be”.  taemin nods & holds his friend tight, relaxing into the embrace, & fighting the urge to pull the omega & the beta apart.

though they had not been asked to choose sides when taemin had cut ties minho had chosen jinki’s.  kibum had remained as neutral as he could, but he was minho’s mate & the animosity between the two meant that the three never socialized again: minho refused to be in taemin’s presence.

it wasn’t just that, though.  taemin knew, had known since jinki’s first heat, that he & minho had a special bond, that it was minho who he relied on for relief during those times. and though he had never been explicitly told as such, he knew that jinki had relied on kibum as well.  it was subtle, but there were enough touches & glances that left him with little doubt as to the depth of their relationship.

he’s still on edge when kibum pulls away, & it’s jongin’s turn to hold him tight & whisper in his ear.

“they’re friends.  you’re going to have to accept that.  it’s not fair to jinki otherwise.”

they pull apart, jongin patting him on the shoulder, & taemin is suddenly met with minho’s outstretched hand.  the appearance is such a shock that he doesn’t see jongin speaking to jinki.  he takes it tentatively, keeping his eyes on the beta’s face.  the other is handsome, strikingly so, & quite a bit taller than taemin.  and very muscular.  if he chose to make the mistake of provoking the beta, he would undoubtedly beat taemin in a fight, despite his status as an alpha.  the thought is unnerving so he keeps his grim firm & his gaze steady.

he’s not entirely surprised when the exchange ends with no words passing between them.  minho’s a very social creature, very affectionate & a little loud, but taemin has burnt the bridge between them.  and while being mated to jinki is the first step to repairing it, he knows it will be a long time before he will be trusted again.

 

turning back to his mate, he catches his best friend patting him on the shoulder, his hand lingering as a few final words are spoken between them.  they had always been friendly but not quite friends.  he wonders if their new relationship will change that.

there’s a final farewell between the betas & the omega, & then taemin is leading his mate to the car waiting outside.  it will take them to a resort in a neighboring town, one in the mountains whose cooler temperatures will be a relief from the summer heat.  their luggage rests in the trunk, packed before the mehndi ceremony. 

the council is very thorough with their treatment of arranged bonds, even this trip has been a gift.  three days to honeymoon & no longer because jinki will need to prepare his home for his first heat as a bonded omega, familiarizing himself with it so that he will be comfortable when it comes.

it’s a long ride, an hour, though it doesn’t feel that way.  their fingers are not quite touching, & they’re not exactly speaking, but they’re smiling at each other, bashfully, an odd behavior for two who are grown.  it’s nice, though, & if taemin didn’t think it could get any better he would wish the ride to never end.  but he knows that it can, & he’s getting a bit car sick, so it’s a delight when the car pulls up in front of their hotel.  they’ve arrived long past lunch hour but with plenty of time before dinner: taemin marks the hours by his meals.

as he steps out he can see a lake down one path & another leading to a main street teeming with shops & restaurants.  he turns to help jinki out of the car only to see the driver has opened his door & his mate now stands on the other side, looking out at the sights taemin had just been taking in.  he looks happy which makes taemin happy & he smiles as he watches the other, his grin broadening when jinki catches him & smiles back.

their accommodations are in the form of a small cabin, elevated off the ground, & separate from any other structure.  it’s very nice; shiny wood floors, a brick fireplace, a sofa beside the fireplace, a small round table with two chairs, & the walls are covered in a pale yellow paper with dark red buds & green ivy.  the bed though…  at the end of a little hall, the bed has been covered in rose petals & there are candles burning throughout the room.  on the night stands, the mantel, & the little dining table near the front door.  it’s too much & all wrong, & he wishes he had the time to clean it all up before jinki sees.

but his mate had been right behind him, & he had stepped too far into the room to turn back now, to keep the omega from seeing it.  the snort from behind his shoulder lets him know that jinki has seen, & agrees, & he breathes a small sigh of relief.

their luggage is brought in by the driver who props it up against the wall just inside the entry, accepts the tip that taemin, at jinki’s silent prodding, produces, & leaves with a bright smile & a “congratulations”.

they’re suddenly alone again.  only this time they’re really alone & taemin doesn’t know what he should do, only what he wants to do.  but he doesn’t think that jinki’s quite there yet, & he really wants to get those petals off the bed, so he suggests that the omega change into something more comfortable.

“we should go for a walk, do some sight-seeing.”

he thinks he sees surprise & relief in jinki’s eyes, though he knows he could be imagining his own emotions being reflected there, & waits until the bathroom door is closed before hurriedly gathering up the offending foliage.

with the soft, cool petals in his hand, he glances around the room, looking for a bin.  finding none he tosses them onto the pile of wood waiting in the fireplace.  they look rather pretty there, he thinks, & wonders what they would smell like if they were set ablaze with the logs.  he also wonders if jinki knows how to work a fireplace because he’s pretty sure that if he tried they’d either be smoked out of the cabin or it would burn to the ground. 

jinki emerges from the bathroom dressed in a plain t-shirt & jeans that fit him too well.  way too well.  he’s caught staring by jinki before he catches himself, chuckling nervously.

“you look nice.”

the omega laughs & looks down at the leather sandals exposing the mehndi designs on his feet.  his bond mark is a deep bruise on the side of his neck, peeking over the collar of his t-shirt.  there are faint lines forming in the flesh, but it’s too early to know what design will take shape.

“are you going to be warm enough?”  it’s such a parental thought & taemin is almost embarrassed to have asked it.  however, jinki is his responsibility now, & his comfort is in his care.

“i think so.  i mean, we’re going to be walking right?  and it’s still pretty sunny out.”  taemin nods & pauses.  he needs to change his clothes too but he feels silly about hiding in the bathroom to do so.  but that’s what jinki had done so maybe he should too?  it’s all so confusing.

jinki saves him by asking if he can go look outside, & it doesn’t register with taemin that he’s asking permission.  he simply nods & says he’ll join him soon.  alone in the cabin, he changes, the cool air of the room prickling his skin.  he’s chosen denim shorts, a t-shirt, & sandals: standard summer attire.

he grabs his wallet, cell phone, & slips the cabin key into his pocket, trotting down the wooden steps to the path that will lead him to where his mate stands out in the yard.  the sun is shining bright, the air warm but not hot, the scent of the lush grass beneath his feet soft in the air.  jinki is standing beneath a few shady trees planted up against a short metal fence.  as he approaches, taemin can see the lake from there, the boats of various shapes & speeds.  the quiet is broken intermittently by the chirp of birds, & the gentle rustle of leaves.

“ready?”, he asks, startling jinki who’s been gazing out at the view.  the omega nods & turns just as taemin reaches out to place his hand at the small of his back, shoving it hurriedly into his pocket before the action can be noticed.  he walks that way, his hands in his pockets, as they stroll across the lawn toward the shops.

it’s the height of bonding season & the town is a popular area for honeymooners & they are not the only pair with henna on their hands.  he notices, though, that very few of the omegas they see on the street have their necks uncovered the way jinki does, most of them wearing a scarf or a high collar.  he’s not sure if it has any meaning.

most of the shops, they find, are overpriced boutiques that carry items that hold no interest to either of them, so much of their time is spent just strolling up & down the sidewalks, pointing at the signs or storefronts that catch their eye.  time passes slowly & taemin is getting bored when jinki’s stomach suddenly audibly growls.  he laughs more at the omega’s mortified expression that the actual sound, & jinki’s face lights up when taemin suggests the pizza parlor they’re approaching.  he holds the door open, letting the omega inside.  it’s dim & cool, the air laced with the smells of dough & meat.  they debate which toppings to choose &, as the waiter places glasses of ice water on their table, taemin thinks this may actually be their first fight.

the decision is made to order a medium with sausage, black olives, & mushrooms, & they wait calmly for their order to arrive.  just as in the car, they are not exactly speaking, but they’re not keeping silent either.  mostly it’s jinki talking about a stand they had passed that was covered in a mind boggling assortment of items that ranged from thimbles to ankle length jackets imprinted with the exact same image of the town, its name stenciled underneath.  the restaurant is loud & jinki’s too engrossed in his memory to notice how taemin is straining to lean across the table.  he wonders briefly if he should have sat next to jinki, he definitely would have been able to hear him better over the din.  but being able to see his mate’s face so clearly, so close, gives him confidence that he’s made the right decision.

their food comes & it is quiet at their table again, the amicable silence of hungry people intent on quelling their appetite.  the waiter had served them their first slices, & when taemin finishes first he offers to serve jinki his seconds.  it’s a point of pride, he’s providing for his mate, & he continues to eat with a little satisfied smile on his face.

they’re halfway through their lunch when jinki misses his mouth with a bite & ends up with sauce & a bit of cheese on his face.  taemin laughs, pointing to the mess.  he reaches out to help wipe it off at the same moment jinki looks down & laughs, gathering his napkin up & wiping it himself.  taemin quickly pulls his hand back into his lap, blinking, & turning back to his food.

“what should we do next?”, jinki asks, his voice cheerful, & taemin is excited that he’s excited.  the smile on his face is so innocent & eager that taemin is immediately ashamed at the first three thoughts that flitted through is mind in response to his mate’s query.

“i don’t know.   there’s a carnival.”  jinki’s eyes light up & taemin forgets to breathe.

“that sounds fun.  i haven’t been to a carnival since…i don’t even know how long.  remember, they took us all on a trip?”  taemin knows exactly when it was because less than three months later jinki presented as an omega & his entire world flipped.  he doesn’t say that.  he just nods & murmurs that he remembers.

“the elephant ears were my favorite,” jinki continues, “and the roller coaster.  jonghyun & kibum wouldn’t stop screaming but i thought it was so much fun.”  taemin tenses at the names falling so easily from his mate’s lips & takes a sip of his drink.

“the rollercoasters were awesome,” he agrees, a bit sternly, “we should definitely go.”

when they leave the dim restaurant they have to squint their eyes shut at the burning summer sun, laughing with their hands shading their eyes.  they begin walking towards the end of the boardwalk, where the carnival rides can barely be seen over the tops of buildings, the mountainous terrain playing elevational tricks.  they take their time, popping in to odd shops that pique their interest, letting their stomachs settle a bit before they board any rides.

after an hour they’re hot & tired, the adrenaline of the morning wearing off as they spend more time together.  taemin spots an ice cream stand & makes a note of its location; it’s too early now, they’re both still stuffed with pizza, but it might be a nice treat later tonight or tomorrow afternoon.  they’ve reached a point in the road where it separates into a wood plank walkway leading towards the carnival, now quite visible, in one direction, and a dirt trail leading to the lake, covered in thick trees & park benches, in the other.  he leads them over & has jinki sit down first before joining him. 

it’s beautiful.  the lake is still quite a bit away, though not too long a walk if they weren’t tired, & it’s waters glitter in the sunlight.  there are boats floating over its waves, a ferry that cruises around its edge, & a group of visitors bob & dive in a roped off area.

“we should go there tomorrow”, he says, absently.  “what do you think?”  jinki stiffens a bit, his gaze set on the lake & taemin wonders if he’s said something wrong.

“do you think they have little boats we could rent?  paddle boats or canoes?”

“maybe.  we could ask.”  jinki nods his head & doesn’t explain further & taemin doesn’t ask.  he’s busy wondering if now would be a good time to take jinki’s hand.  it’s next to his on the bench, far enough away that they’re not touching but close enough that they could be.  he wonders if he should ask or just slide their fingers together & the question is on his lips just as jinki shifts in his seat, crossing his arms.

he glances over at taemin with a smile and says, “it’s been so hot lately, i didn’t expect to be chilly.”  taemin nods because it is a little chilly.  there’s a breeze coming off the lake & they’re in the shade.   they’ve been sitting for a few minutes & their bodies have cooled down.  besides, jinki is often cold.  and he’s still smiling at him.

the silence between them is amicable but taemin wants to fill it with words, with questions & statements, with ideas & dreams.  he wants to apologize to jinki for wasting years, to ask him how he’s feeling, to let him know that he will give him everything he wants & needs, to thank him for being his.  the words swirl in his mind but never travel to his voice so they continue to sit in silence, watching the waves.  he’s not certain how much time has passed before he remembers that jinki is cold & he has done nothing to warm him up.

“come on,” taemin finally says, standing, “let’s go get some coffee.”  he reaches out his hand to help jinki up & this time he finds the omega’s fingers holding his, his mate standing with his hand in taemin’s palm.  it’s nice & he doesn’t want it to end.  he doesn’t let go & jinki makes no move to pull away, still smiling but softer now, settled.  taemin takes a chance & laces their fingers together, their mehndi entwining.  he thinks he sees a flush settle on jinki’s cheeks & he hopes he’s not wrong.

“i usually prefer it iced.”

“i know,” taemin replies.

“i think i’ll take it hot today.”

the café is local & the staff is overly cheerful.  it’s eclectic in an inorganic way, & the forced attempt at uniqueness is disquieting.  the coffee, however, is exceptional.  jinki has let go of his hand to press his palms to the hot cup in front of him, & taemin sips his drink solemnly, both of them blowing softly into their cups.  they’re quiet again, tentatively sipping drinks that if they’re reckless with will leave them with burned tongues & warped taste buds.  they do talk though, sporadic conversation tentatively planning what their day will look like tomorrow, the omission of their plans for the evening striking.

they’ve passed the point where afternoon bleeds into evening & the sun has shifted further away in the sky, though it is still light out.taemin’s lost in thought when he hears jinki’s shy request that they leave to visit the carnival.  swallowing the last of his drink, he stands & stretches out his hand, grinning when his mate accepts it, & they leave the café with linked fingers.

the carnival is small but bright, lights flashing & carousel music blaring.  taemin buys a roll of tickets & their first stop is the roller coaster with “doom” in its name, a comparatively tame looking ride that still looks like it will give them a rush.  he steps into the seat first, helping jinki in after, & once they’re buckled he locks their fingers again. 

appearances prove to be deceiving & he finds himself ecstatically throwing his hands in the air, jinki’s fingers still entwined with his.  it’s fine because jinki is doing the same.  when they disembark they’re told they can purchase a copy of the picture the ride took & they eagerly do so, laughing at the ecstatic smiles on their face & the way their hair flies haphazardly behind them.  but taemin’s smile is also warm because the picture shows him holding jinki’s hand, jinki holding his, their mehndi stark in the flash.  he’s reminded that he’s on his honeymoon, that he has only been bonded to jinki a few hours when it’s beginning to feel like years.  he tucks the picture carefully into his wallet with plans to frame it & display it when they return home.

the word strikes a chord & he misses a breath, & it’s only jinki’s exuberant gesturing towards an elephant ear stand that gets him moving again.

the sun is beginning to set by the time they leave with sticky fingers & a small stuffed giraffe taemin won jinki in an arcade.  jinki holds it in one hand & taemin’s in the other & taemin thinks he’s never had a better day.

the walk is long from the carnival to their cabin & it would have been much faster to take a cab.  but they’re holding hands & chatting & taemin would never trade that comfort for convenience.

 “are you hungry?”, he asks suddenly.   jinki scrunches up his face in thought.  they’re back on the main road.  if they turn right they’ll head back to the cabin.  there’s a restaurant in the main building, but they could still eat out if he wanted to.  taemin waits for his answer patiently, feeling the warmth of his palm against the other’s in the waning heat.

“a little.  nothing too…”, he pauses & blushes, this time taemin is sure of it, & he wonders if jinki’s finally thinking what he’s been trying to avoid thinking about all afternoon.

“just a little”, he repeats, ducking his head.  taemin nods & scans the sidewalk for something that will fit the bill.  a salad is absolutely out of the question, but there’s a sandwich shop that looks promising. 

they split a roast beef & provolone on sourdough & taemin eats all the chips that come with it.  jinki is taking his time finishing his soda, his legs crossed & one kicking absently in the air.  taemin lets him because he doesn’t want to be wrong, to have misread jinki’s blush.  instead he watches the omega sip absently, straw in his mouth, & his eyes everywhere but on taemin.  he had pointed out the posters on the wall, the newspaper clippings.  but as the food had disappeared so had the sound of his voice.  a few minutes pass & then suddenly the scratchy sound of a straw hitting air echoes from his paper cup.  he smiles sheepishly, the straw still in his teeth, finally looking at taemin again.

“sorry.”  he tilts the cup & sucks the last of the liquid down before placing it on the tray with the wrappers from their sandwich & chips.

“i guess…,” he starts, hesitating, a mix of apprehension & excitement in his eye, “i guess we should be getting back?”  it’s a question & taemin nods hungrily, pushing the tray aside & standing.  jinki glances at it, the urge to put it away easily overcome, & he turns back with a smile & an outstretched hand.

it’s dark now, and colder, & taemin thinks that tomorrow he’ll insist on bringing his hoodie for jinki.  the closer they get to the cabin the brighter the stars get, & when they climb the two stairs to the door the sky shimmers above them.  there’s a bottle of champagne waiting for them when they enter the cabin & taemin wonders if it was there before & he hadn’t noticed or if the staff have broken into the cabin to bring it to them.  he’s unsettled by either proposition, especially when he realizes the solid ice cubes means that it was recent.

jinki, as it turns out, knows how to get a fire going.

the logs are crackling & there’s the soft hint of rose scenting the air as jinki pours them each a glass & taemin takes it gladly.  he sips before he realizes they’re supposed to toast, but jinki doesn’t seem to notice, taking a sip himself.  they talk now, standing near the flames, about their day & their plans for the next. halfway through his glass taemin is feeling soft & warm, & it occurs to him that neither have mentioned the ceremony of that morning.  he wants to know what jinki was thinking, what he was feeling, what he did between their mehndi ceremony ending & the moment their bonding ceremony began. 

as he finishes, jinki pours him another glass & he’s too enraptured in the moment to realize that it’s a bad idea: taemin knows that jinki can hold his alcohol but he’s not so sure jinki knows that taemin can’t.  and when jinki leans forward, his eyes on taemin’s mouth, he wishes he hadn’t had that second glass. 


	4. Luna Mellea II

jinki pauses just in front of taemin’s face, his eyes still on taemin’s lips, & something leaden settles itself in taemin’s gut, a mixture of desire & nausea wrapped up in anticipation.  & then suddenly he is kissing jinki.  or rather jinki is kissing him. 

all these years, so many moments he’d let slip by & finally, finally jinki’s lips were pressed against his own.  yet he can’t help the burn of disappointment that he’s not fully sober for the moment, a pressure & a heaviness to what was happening falling over his shoulders like an unwanted blanket.

after a few moments of taemin not responding, jinki begins to pull back.  & in that moment, all rational thought left the alpha’s mind.

he pushes himself up & grabs jinki by the back of the neck, pulling him in for a kiss that is equal parts passion as it was punishment: an omega should not be the initiator.

he’s desperate now.  the voice telling him that this is wrong, the one screaming “regret” over & over is dulled out only by the pounding in taemin’s ears & the taste of jinki on his lips, on his tongue as his omega follows his cues & opens his mouth for his alpha.

taemin is intoxicated by it & he wants more.  before he can even think of what that means, jinki is gone from his lips & slipping down to the floor, his head level with taemin’s…oh gods, he thinks, realization creeping into his muggy brain & heat electrifying every nerve.

taemin furrows his brow in concentration because he’s a bit terrified that if he blinks this will all evaporate into a dream, a false memory.  it’s exhilarating to watch jinki on his knees, to feel his hands unbutton, unzip, & slip the clothing from his waist, lifting taemin’s feet through the puddled fabric.  it’s all so wrong.  taemin is laid bare before his omega, leaning against the wall naked, aroused, his mating band & bonding mehndi vibrant against his flushed skin.  especially when jinki is still fully clothed.  but that means nothing to taemin as he watches, incredulously, as jinki takes him into his mouth, as he feels jinki’s mouth; hot, wet, &…  taemin’s head hits the wall with a thud as he exhales a supplication, his hand finding itself on jinki’s head & his fingers threading through his mate’s hair.

taemin’s not a virgin.  there a few, not many, mostly curious moments with jongin when they were younger.  & though taemin’s mind had been wired to love jinki since he was a child, his body trained to respond to jinki ever since he learned how to release his own sexual tension, junmyeon had somehow slipped through & for two years his nights were spent with the beta.

but it’s been over a year.

embarrassingly swiftly, taemin finds himself coming to completion, a frantic whisper & a harsh tug on jinki’s hair the only warning he’s able to give the omega who only takes him deeper & swallows hard.

far too soon it is over & taemin watches breathlessly as jinki pulls away, the loss of heat sending a chill up his spine.  jinki’s lips are dark & his cheeks are flushed & taemin would mount the omega that moment if his biology would cooperate.  but it’s too soon & taemin can only stand there, catch his breath, & whisper “sorry” so softly he’s not sure jinki can hear him.

he makes no sign that he has as he stands.

taemin pushes off the wall, his stance still a bit wobbly as he takes a step forward, stretching his hand out to brush a few stray locks that have fallen into jinki’s face, tussled by taemin’s grip.  jinki pulls away with a shy smile, a movement so at odds with that has just happened that taemin can’t help but smile back.

“what about you?”, he asks, still in the glow of post-orgasmic bliss yet uncertain of what to do next: he’d never been with an omega before & he’d never been with jinki, he doesn’t’ know what he likes.  jinki just shakes his head & murmurs that he’s fine, that he just needs a minute to go freshen up & then they can…he hesitates, actually blushes, & then leaves the room.

taemin flops down on the sofa, suddenly very aware of his very naked state, & grateful for the soft blanket beneath him.  he pulls his shirt off over his head, tossing it to the floor as he lies back, closing his eyes with a satisfied smile.

taemin has not slept in nearly three days.  he is intoxicated though not quite drunk.  he has just had sex.  the combination of the three are catching up & taemin finds himself unable to stay awake, falling asleep on the sofa on the first night of their honeymoon with his bonded omega in the other room, untouched.

 

when jinki comes out of the washroom, teeth brushed & hair pulled back, he is presented with the sight of his alpha naked, asleep, seated straight up with his head tilted backwards, his mouth hanging open.  it’s a humorous sight & jinki can’t help but chuckle even as his heart drops.  this is not how he had imagined spending his first night bonded to taemin, this is not what he had planned for at all, & he suddenly feels foolish in the silk pants & mesh top kibum had insisted he buy. 

he steps across the threshold & adjusts taemin so that he’s resting in a more natural position.  he retrieves the bedspread from the bedroom & covers his mate with it, pausing to take in taemin’s naked form.  he’s lean but firm with the faint outline of muscles on his torso & arms.  his skin is golden & soft under jinki’s fingertips as he brushes them across taemin’s knuckles, their mehndi touching.

he hasn’t seen taemin asleep in years & he’s forgotten how peaceful the other could look, so at ease & serene.  he envies that, that peace.  his sleep is fraught with nightmares & visions, terrors that cause him to wake to his own screams, & it isn’t something he is eager for taemin to witness.  though he knows it’s inevitable that he will.  he lays medicine & a glass of water beside taemin’s sleeping form before he heads back to the bathroom to change his clothes, choosing bright lights of the vanity over the dimness of the empty bedroom. 

he’s halfway through changing, the clothes from before folded back into his suitcase & a pair of sweatpants clinging to his waist.  the muscles in his arm & chest flex as he leans towards the mirror, brushing his fingers against the bond mark marring the side of his neck as he stares at his reflection in the mirror.  it has no discernable design yet, just a blotch of black, purple, & dark red.  it looks painful but it isn’t, touching it is actually pleasurable, & it’s even beautiful in its own way.  the flesh is raised beneath his fingertips as he touches it lightly.  the swelling will dissipate within days & there will be a clear motif laid there by the end of the week.

he closes his eyes & takes a few deep breaths before pulling an old t-shirt out of his bag, slipping it over his head without glancing in the mirror again.  he passes by the sleeping alpha on his way down the hall to the bedroom.  he slips under the covers, now lightened with the absence of a bedspread, & watches the moon through the paned window at the foot of the bed before falling into a fitful slumber.

taemin wakes up disoriented it takes his eyes a moment to adjust to the surrounding darkness.  the faint outline of floral wallpaper highlighted by moonlight streaming through the window by the front door sparks a memory & he groans as he remembers both where he is & why he is there.  the blanket laying over him was not there when he closed his eyes, & it only furthers his agony to bear witness to jinki’s care.  his head is throbbing as he stands, heading towards the bedroom.  at the doorway he pauses to take in the sight of jinki sleeping alone in their bed.  he enters the room & looks down at his mate, watching him sleep.  he’s jinki’s alpha & it’s his right to share a bed with him.  but standing there in the dark, it feels wrong to join him when jinki is asleep & unable to consent to his presence.

he reaches out to touch jinki’s face, but pulls back when the omega shifts in his sleep, incoherent words muttered between his pursed lips.  taemin watches for a minute more before leaving, his throbbing head leading him on a search for pain relief.  as he passes the sofa on the way to the washroom, he sees the bottle of medicine & a half-filled water glass on the table beside it.  picking the bottle up he sighs, pouring a few capsules into his palm & washing it down with the tepid liquid, torn between gratitude & humiliation that his mate would be so thoughtful after such a spectacular failure.

he takes a shower & tries not to think of jinki’s lips, scalding his skin with the hottest he can get the water to be to distract his mind.  taemin’s entire body is a deep red, & his insides burn, as he dries off & slips back into a pair of pajama pants, tossing on a t-shirt as an afterthought.  laying back down on the sofa, his head resting in his palms, he stares at the ceiling, willing himself to fall back asleep.

the next morning is an awkward dance of missteps & unexpressed emotions.  taemin is quick to apologize, haphazardly stumbling over his words, flustered as he expresses gratitude for jinki’s attentions, & mortification at his own lack of reciprocity.  jinki shrugs it off, staring at his feet, murmuring about fatigue & expressing understanding.  they stand there, nodding, convincing themselves. 

it’s silent again & this time the amicability has waned.

prompted by his own hunger, he suggests that they have breakfast.  he asks where jinki would rather dine in-room, in the hotel restaurant, or wander the streets again.  jinki asks if he may take a shower & then murmurs “whatever you’d like” when taemin says, “of course”.  this time he catches that his permission is being sought & he worries, especially when jinki repeats that whatever taemin wants is fine.  sadly, he watches the omega disappear behind the washroom door, the sound of the lock clicking behind him painful to hear.  the water starts running as he picks up a menu, its sparse contents making a selection easy, & he calls in their order while jinki bathes.

they eat in gaps of silence, the scrapes of their forks on the ceramic plates the loudest part of their meal.  taemin wants to talk but he doesn’t want to force jinki into conversation so he makes random remarks about the food that require no reply.  he sighs inwardly when jinki makes a tentative remark about the temperature of the toast & he eagerly agrees that fresh toast is best.  it stutters there, jinki looking away to take a bite, strawberry preserves on sourdough.  taemin watches too closely, hoping that he will have the chance to wipe jam from jinki’s face, but he eats it clean.

they’re finished now, their empty plates & glasses sit on the table between them.  they’re both barefoot, but otherwise fully dressed, & once they slip into their sandals they can leave.  neither make a move, the room so quiet that the birds chirping in the yard can be heard.  it becomes too much.

in a last attempt at conversation, taemin says, with strained enthusiasm, “let’s go see about those canoes.”


	5. Luna Mellea III

it’s still early, the day not yet heavy with heat & humidity, & their walk to the marina is quiet, neither of them speaking.  the sun is sparkling over the waters when they arrive, the beach already teeming with visitors.  the canoe they had intended to rent has already been claimed, all the paddleboats as well, & while jinki had noticeably cringed at the motorboat whipping by, he had nodded when taemin asked if he’d like to take a ride on the little ferry docked at the harbor.

they buy a pair of tickets for the slow-moving ship & wait in line for the chain link gate to be unlocked.  taemin makes a few passing remarks about the waters & jinki nods along, his eyes fluttering away from taemin’s whenever they make contact.

as they board, taemin turns to take jinki’s hand only to see that the omega has both placed on the rails, clutching them as he climbs up the ramp.  he hesitates & ultimately turns back because the look on his mate’s face is focused & he fears that his intercession will only exacerbate his tenseness.

they’re both aboard & walking to the railing near the front when he tries again, jinki’s hand slipping just out of reach as the omega abruptly turns.  this time he thinks it’s on purpose & he thinks maybe he should stop trying.  & when jinki stares silently out at the shore taemin begins to wonder if he’d rather be there, away from taemin.

it’s maddening having these uncertainties fluttering around, especially after all the progress they’d made yesterday, but jinki seems withdrawn now.  so he keeps his distance because maybe it was his fault, maybe the omega felt pressured.  maybe he feels used.  then suddenly jinki is smiling at him, pointing to a bird skimming across the water, catching a fish in its beak & flying off.  the doubts blow away on the morning breeze & he smiles back, taking a chance & taking jinki’s hand in his, grateful when his mate laces their fingers together, their mehndi glowing against their skin.

~

it's a wonderful day, romantic & bright.  their ride is calm & beautiful, a cloudless sky & a gentle breeze rich with the fragrance of water.  they hold hands throughout, jinki pointing at things he thinks are interesting while taemin is interested only in the sound of jinki’s voice & the warmth of his hand.  when they dock, taemin helps him step off the boat still floating on the waves, both disoriented for a moment from the shift to solid ground, jinki pressing his hand to taemin’s shoulder for balance.

the canoe & paddle boats are still out, & besides they’ve just been on the lake, so they head back into town, aimless.  they buy meat sticks from one vendor & cold beer from another.  taemin finds the ice cream stand from the previous day & they sit beneath a striped canopy on a wooden picnic bench eating banana nut fudge scoops in sugar cones.  a horse-drawn carriage passes by & they agree that they have no choice but to take a ride in it.  the breeze blows the scent of the horses into their air & both of them cover their noses with their spare hands, giggling with their fingers linked on the seat between them.  it’s a marvelous day, breath-taking in its simplicity, & taemin has thought two or three times throughout that he’d like to kiss jinki again.  he doesn’t, though, hesitating & he doesn’t know why.

& then jinki kisses him.

a soft kiss, surprisingly shy, & a murmured apology for a slight he has not committed, & taemin is struck with the urge to hold his mate in his arms & never, ever let go.  he wants to feel his body pressed against his own, feel his breath & his heartbeat.

taemin wants to get jinki away from the noise & the smells of the crowds, he wants to inhale only jinki’s scent, & a brisk walk deeper into the forest is the quickest way to accomplish that.  he leads them over roots & underneath heavy leaves, side-stepping branches that reach out to scrape at their arms & legs.  it’s quiet back there, secluded & damp.  the air is fresh & it smells of ea,rth & the heady fragrance blends with jinki’s own that has grown increasingly stronger as they’ve made their way into the woods.

there’s a clearing, a small opening that reminds taemin of the hidden place they spent time in as children, where he met jinki & where he fell in love.  he slips his hand out of the omega’s & gently presses him against the base of a tree.  jinki watches him, the faintest smile on his lips & his cheeks soft against taemin’s fingers as he cups them in his hands.  he should say something, he wants to say something, but words are failing him & instead he leans in to kiss his mate, softly, gently, their lips pressed together for five heartbeats that pulse in his ear before he pulls away, their foreheads touching.

“i love you,” he whispers, his breath ghosting against jinki’s lips & the omega’s silence goes unnoticed as jinki wraps his arms around the alpha’s waist & presses another chaste kiss to his lips.

another five beats of his heart pass & taemin is intoxicated with the scent of jinki, the feel of his body against his own, & he wants more, presses harder, kisses with a desperation that is as much an indication of his present lust as of his past desires.  jinki reciprocates immediately, following taemin’s lead & moving his hands up the alpha’s back, clutching him tightly.

they’re chest to chest, thigh to thigh, tongue to tongue.  they’re too close.  their bodies are moving against each other too well & taemin is getting hot, losing control, & he abruptly pulls away, panting.  he is jinki’s alpha & it is his responsibility to provide security & comfort for his omega & neither are afforded by the trees that surround them, not enough, not if it was so easily found by the two of them.

he needs to get jinki back to their room, back to the security of a locked door & the comfort of linens & a soft mattress.

“we should go back to the cabin,” he says, his voice thick.  jinki nods eagerly, his eyes a little glassy & his lips puffed, a gentle flush on his cheeks.  he quirks a smile & takes taemin’s hand, the first time he has initiated contact & taemin grins at the possibilities of what this could mean.

~

he was too eager.

this is all his fault.

jinki lies on the ground clutching his knee, the scent of iron in the air as a gash the size of taemin’s palm leaks his mate’s blood onto the damp earth.

“can’t you do anything right?”, he mutters to himself, furious at yet again failing in his role as alpha, missing the way jinki flinches because he’s too worried with how he’s going to get the omega back to safety.  he would carry him the whole way there, but it’s at least a mile away & he wants to mend jinki’s wounds as soon as possible; he doesn’t him to have to wait.  in the meantime, he takes off his shirt & wraps it around the wound, a makeshift bandage until he can do better.

he does carry him, as far as the road, the omega still in his arms as he flags down a cab.  jinki is silent as he places him gently in the backseat, running around the back to slip in beside him, pulling the wounded omega against his naked chest.  the ride is quick, much quicker than if he’d followed his impulse & carried jinki there.  he helps him limp inside, the omega’s arm thrown over his shoulder & his hand around the other’s waist.

he lays jinki down on the sofa & removes the shirt from his leg, relieved that the bleeding seems to have waned.  he wets a washcloth with warm water & begins gently dabbing at the wound, missing the way jinki is watching him, & apologizing every time a hiss of pain slips through his mate’s teeth.

it’s not too bad.  once the blood is washed away it’s clear the the wound is superficial, though there are already the beginnings of what will be a spectacular bruise forming all around the reddened skin.  a quick rummage through the cupboards unearths a first aid kid with a package of bandages that cover the wound, the clear gel applied beforehand cool on taemin’s finger, & he applies it as softly as he can, the most tender brush of his fingertips against jinki’s leg.

“do you need anything else?”  his eyes are earnest & his voice is till tinged with panic.  it’s a relief when jinki asks for pain medication because it gives him something to do & he needs the distraction.  the amber bottle, he’s told, when he asks which one it is, too flummoxed to read the labels himself.  he grabs the one beside the sink & pours two tablets into his hand, quickly filling up a cup with water with the other.

he brings both back out & kneels down in front of jinki, handing him the tablets & then the water, watching with trepidation.

“i’m so sorry.  i should have paid better attention.”  jinki laughs a little laugh, a snort really, & taemin’s chest clenches at the sound.

“it’s not your fault.  gravity & i have always had a tempestuous relationship, & it was just jealous that i got to make out with you in the forest.”  he leans down & taemin eagerly accepts the kiss he’s been offered, forgiveness from the omega’s lips, rising up until he’s sitting next to jinki.  they’re facing each other now, lazy kisses a repetition of their earlier movements, taemin’s hands around jinki’s waist & jinki’s fingers locked behind taemin’s neck.

they’re loud in the silent cabin, soft moans & the wet sounds of lips, tongues, & teeth echoing, but neither of them hear it, & neither of them would care if they could.  because this is a threshold they’ve wanted to cross since they were bonded, one they’ve pressed their toe to but never quite made it pass.  they’re both sober now, there’s no liquid courage to push them through; they’ve made it on their own.  besides, it’s their honeymoon, & making out on the sofa will be the quietest activity they will engage in, if they’re lucky.

suddenly jinki’s reactions begin to falter, his hands slip down, resting on taemin’s shoulders, his lips slip away & his head falls forward, eyes blinking erratically & he looks like he’s going to be sick.

“taemin,” he says, his words not quite slurred but not quite clear either, “what bottle did you get those pills from?”

“the amber one, like you said.  the one behind the sink.”  jinki’s eyes close & taemin watches as the jut of his neck bobs, a bitter chuckle emanating from his lips.

“wrong one.”  his eyes are still closed & his hands have slipped from taemin’s shoulders to his chest & now they rest on taemin’s thighs.

“what?”

“sleeping pills.”

“what?!”

~

when jinki wakes up it is to taemin’s wide eyes & pursed lips.  he looks so helpless & frightened that the omega can’t help but laugh, reaching out groggily to pat his cheek.

“i am so sorry.”

jinki finds it touching & unnecessary & he begins to caress taemin in his sleeping-pill-hangover state.

“i know.”

“do you need anything?  i can get you an iced coffee.”

“that would be wonderful,” jinki replies, his fingertips still brushing against taemin’s cheek & his eyes slipping shut again.

the next time he wakes up he’s not certain how much time has passed.  taemin is sitting on the bed beside him, his phone in his hand & a look of concentration on his face.  there’s a tall paper cup with a plastic lid on the table beside his head that he assumes is the coffee he was promised.  he shuffles into a sitting position to pick it up & take a drink, his eyes closed & a small hum in his throat as he takes a delicious sip. 

a chuckle slips through his lips; he can feel taemin’s eyes on him.  placing the cup back on the table, he turns & smiles at his mate, leans over & pulls his face towards his own, kissing him gently & then deeper, using his body to show that all is forgiven, believing his words to not be enough to quell the panic taemin still has in his eyes.

it’s their last day.

there’s a knock on the door.

the driver has arrived.

~

jinki is still groggy & he spends the hour long ride back to taemin’s apartment asleep, his head resting against his mate’s chest, tucked beneath a protective arm.  it’s a fitful dream, one quelled only by the scent of his mate so close, one filled with memories of a promise left unfulfilled.  not a spoken vow, but rather the tacit agreement of a deepening of a frayed relationship that was in every manner sabotaged during their stay.  & his sleeping mind worries those failures into a dream that weaves their past with their future, keeping just to the center of a nightmare.

the only thing he is certain of, awake or asleep, is that it wasn’t taemin’s fault.  it was his.

~

it wasn’t jinki’s fault.  it was his.

taemin berates himself silently, his hand resting comfortably on jinki’s shoulder, the other fisted against his forehead, elbow propped on the windowsill as he watches the passing scenery. 

who falls asleep on the first night of their honeymoon & then drugs their mate on the last?  and what was he thinking taking him into the woods when all reason should have had him heading immediately to the cabin?  taemin groans & closes his eyes, the feeling of failure familiar & unwelcome.  at least jinki hadn’t been angry with him.  nothing but acceptance & forgiveness & light laughter had emanated from the omega, & he was presently nestled against him asleep.

at least there was this, he hadn’t failed at providing comfort for his sleeping mate.

yet.

 as they turn onto the street taemin’s apartment is on, he wakes jinki gently, stroking his cheek & murmuring softly into his hair, his voice growing progressively louder until the omega finally stirs.  the driver is pulling out their luggage as taemin steps out, extending a hand to jinki who uses it to climb out, his legs unsteady & his eyes blinking from sleep.

they thank the driver & then they are alone.  this time it’s not so oppressive; jinki even rests his head on taemin’s shoulder as his keys jangle & the door unlocks.

too late he realizes he’s never been in taemin’s apartment.

he’s suddenly struck by the brevity of his arrival, of the theoretical made manifest.  of course he would have shifted homes no matter who he had been bonded to.  but to shift to taemin’s had not been something he’d expected & to be met with a dwelling that is so intrinsically taemin is overwhelming.  the weekend had been spent in a location that was neutral, unfamiliar to them both.  but this, his new home, is full of taemin, permeating every sense.  & for a moment he’s unable to move, unable to breathe.

the furniture is mismatched, the curtains heavy, & the walls are haphazardly covered with photographs of jongin & kibum, of friends jinki passingly recognizes from recitals.  his eyes land on a silver frame surrounding the image of taemin & junmyeon with their arms around each other’s waists, smiles on both their faces, & the alpha pointing to the beta who is making a cute pose, his fingers in a ‘v’ near his eye.  an unreasonable burst of jealousy boils up & he forces it away.

those are memories. 

if taemin wanted to be with junmyeon he would be still.

he agreed to be bonded to jinki.

this is the present.

his mate pulls him from his reverie, asking if he’s all right, his brows furrowed & his eyes fluttering around the room self-consciously.  he does his best to smile & say yes, something about how nice the apartment looks.  he’s not sure what words his lips are forming because he doesn’t hear his own voice, his mind too distracted by the prodigious fragrance of his mate, & by how flushed his body is becoming in response.

he nearly trips over one of the suitcases left near the door, barely catching himself at the last moment, a hand braced against a cold wall. 

“here,” taemin says as he leans down to pick it up, “let me put those away.”  he grabs the other & is halfway down the hall when there’s a knock at the door, a loud one; three insistent raps followed by a silence that is almost immediately broken by two more.

jinki moves to answer the door, feeling his unfamiliarity with the apartment acutely when he tries to open it & finds it locked.  a quick struggle & he’s opening it upon a small woman, old enough to be his mother if he had one, who stands on their patio smiling.  she holds a casserole dish with wrinkled hands & her fingers shake as she hands it over to jinki.

she is an omega, her bond mark visible but marred, her mate either dead or dying, & jinki stifles the urge to press his fingers against his own, to assure himself that taemin is fine.  of course he is, he thinks, the sound of his footsteps coming up the hall evidence enough.

he greets the neighbor with familiarity, introducing her to jinki who is too startled by the mark to catch her name.  he’ll learn it later.  for now, he clutches the dish to his chest & masks his turmoil with a smile & waits for the physical embodiment of every bonded omega’s nightmare to leave.

“how was your trip?”, she asks, her happy smile at odds with the sorrow sewn into her skin.

“fantastic,” taemin replies, a half-truth that slips easily off his tongue.

“oh good.”  she glances between them, her smile brightening when her eyes land on jinki’s mark, still new & unformed.

the offer is made for her to join them inside but she declines, giving them a passing excuse that might be true before she leaves, a gentle hand to jinki’s cheek that he doesn’t jerk away from.

the door closes on her diminishing figure & they are alone again. 

they’ve barely glanced at each other before the stillness of the apartment is crumbled with the duet of their gurgling stomachs, a reminder that it is well into the afternoon & neither of them have eaten.

neither of them want to.

jinki wants taemin to hold him in his arms, kiss his neck, & whisper in his ear; to feel his fingertips brush every inch of his body, to be pressed against sheets & pillows.  the mehndi on his back & waist itch with the desire to be seen & touched. 

he wants the alpha to mount him.

he looks down at the mehndi on his hand, the designs on his feet.  the images are vivid, unimaginably detailed, & he wants desperately to give them form.  but he hesitates.  not out of fear of rejection, exactly; taemin has been very welcoming in every overture he’s made yet.  but those were different circumstances; a kiss of forgiveness is one thing, & he knows that the way taemin kissed him the first night was also punishment for overstepping his bounds. 

a line was crossed by his initiation that first night & he’s not bold enough to try it again.

instead he waits for taemin to determine their path.

he hears his name & looks up, greeted by the alpha’s sheepish grin as he says, “i’m starving.  let’s get something to eat.” 

~

the diner taemin chooses is blessedly close, jinki’s not entirely certain why they even drove until he sees the look in taemin’s eyes & quickly orders.  it’s fast & filling, neither of them order anything heavy, just enough to stifle the burn in their bellies.  it’s tense in the way anticipation always is; there are a thousand ways this could go wrong & a million ways it could go right & jinki sips on his water hoping for the latter. 

they are full now, their hunger sated, & taemin is at the door again, the jingle of his keys & the click of the lock reminiscent of their arrival just a few hours ago.  they enter again, an alpha & his omega.

~

taemin tries to keep it light & make an offer of coffee that jinki politely declines, staring at the alpha’s lips & stepping close, the heat of their bodies melding though they never touch.  he glances up at taemin’s eyes & hopes that the alpha understands what he isn’t saying, grateful when he’s met with taemin’s silent plea, humming his acquiescence with a nod as their lips meet.

and they’re where they’ve been so many times before but never further, the space between sexual & sex filled with soft moans & gentle touches.  this time, jinki thinks absently as taemin opens his mouth, their tongues sliding together, they’ll finally make it across.

it’s enough for a while, feeling the muscles in taemin’s back through his shirt, weaving slowly together, a dance.  they should decide where they’re going to land because their legs won’t hold them forever.

he pulls back & lifts his shirt up slowly, abs flexing & taemin doesn’t resist the urge to stroke them with his fingertips, causing his mate to shiver.  jinki chuckles lowly, takes taemin’s hand & presses it to his waist, across the mehndi that is fading but still clings to his skin.  he slips his fingers through taemin’s hair, pulling the alpha in for a kiss, giggling when the fingers on his skin tickle.

a decision is made & taemin begins walking backwards, heading down the hall, smiling faces from photographs on the walls ignored in favor of the feeling of skin & the taste of kisses.

as taemin turns them around & lays him down on the bed, jinki realizes he’s never been in taemin’s bedroom before.  it’s an absent thought, a fleeting thought, brushed aside as taemin’s lips brush his lips, pressing butterfly kisses to the top of his lip, to his cheeks, along his jawline.  they’ve moved up the bed, jinki on his back & taemin hovering above him.

“i love these,” he murmurs, “they’re like a map.”  it’s not until he nibbles at the mole on his arm that jinki understands what he’s talking about, blushing under the touch, groaning & tightening his hold in taemin’s hair when he feels teeth scrape against his collarbone. 

his body is apparently swathed in the drops of dark flesh because taemin is still moving down, his kisses still whispers on jinki’s skin, a nipple gathered in taemin’s collection & jinki’s back arches.  it’s slow, so slow.  & gentle.  jinki’s body is being worshiped, the ministrations of taemin’s hands & lips a display of obeisance.  he’s reached his navel, hands placed at jinki’s waist & thumbs pressing into the soft flesh.  there’s a final kiss on the mark that rests just above the waistband of jinki’s jeans, nearly camouflaged in the mehndi design, before he moves back up, his lips back on jinki’s & neck pulled into the omega’s embrace.  he’s grinding against him, softly, teasingly, just enough to make jinki moan & laugh. 

“roll over,” he murmurs, his eyes teasing & dark.  jinki smiles & nods, rolling over slowly, twisting his body so that he’s looking at taemin over his shoulder.  he’s still smiling, a silly smile, teasing, & he laughs into the kiss the alpha presses to his lips, sighing contentedly as his neck receives the same care his chest had only moments earlier.  there’s a pause & he shivers as fingers draw patterns over his spine, over his shoulder blades, & down to his waist.  he’s following the lines of the henna; of the designs the omegas drew onto jinki.  he’s seen them in the reflection of a mirror, knows what they look like.  he waits for taemin to remark on them, to say anything, but he never does. 

taemin’s lips are on him again, the beads of flesh on his back marked by the alpha’s kisses.  this time he moves from jinki’s waist up, moving through the draughts back up to his neck, massaging the skin with his fingers as he makes his way. 

taemin kisses the mark on jinki’s neck & the omega shivers, a whimper slipping through parted lips.  the mark knows its maker & blushes under its touch, the sensations erogenous & jinki grows wet under the alpha’s caress.

he reaches behind & pulls taemin into a kiss, a biting, desperate kiss because the line between flirty & needy has been crossed & he’s no longer satisfied with their pace.  & neither, it seems, is taemin, who pulls back only enough to pull his shirt over his head, tossing it aside even as he leans back down to connect their lips.  jinki’s rolled back over, his shoulders & spine pressed against the pillows as he fiddles with taemin’s jeans, shaky fingers pulling at button & zipper.  his face is caught between taemin’s fingers & either way his eyes are closed, everything he does is by secondary senses. 

soon enough he’s stroking his mate, taemin groaning into his mouth & growing hard in his hand.  his own jeans are uncomfortably tight & the room is filling with their pheromones, permeating all of jinki’s senses in a way he’s never experienced before.  he’s not just aroused; he’s on fire.

taemin puts a hand to his wrist & pulls away, backs up & begins to take his pants off, naked now, erect.  he reaches out & begins to pull at jinki’s zipper & button, his hands steady & his eyes locked with his mate.  he presses a kiss to jinki’s hip as he pulls the last of his clothing off, tossing it to the floor with the rest of their garments.  jinki blushes as taemin moves his eyes down the length of his body, shifting slightly under the scrutiny.  there’s a sadness to taemin’s eyes as his fingers brush against the bandage still sticking to jinki’s leg, the bruise blooming from beneath it dark, nearly black. 

he gasps as taemin suddenly leans down, kissing the inside of one thigh & massaging the other, leaving little marks as he switches between the two.  it’s unexpected & he breathes out a smile, chuckling when taemin’s touch becomes ticklish, laughing when he feels taemin’s smile against his skin.  he’s flushed & wet, moaning as he feels the roughness of taemin’s tongue lap at the viscous liquid.  the alpha pulls back, pressing one last kiss the inside of jinki’s thigh as he spreads them apart.  he has a mischievous smile, a cocky grin, & jinki’s already racing heart begins to thud loudly in his ears.

“you ready?”  he wiggles his eyebrows & jinki laughs out loud at the absurdity of it, bringing a hand to his mouth to cover his smile, a bashful gesture at odds with the position he’s in; spread naked on a strange bed.

“are you?”  his eyebrows dance as well & taemin laughs.  his smile falters, something heavy slips into his gaze, & jinki thinks he knows what the alpha is thinking because maybe he’s thinking it too.

“yeah”, he hears taemin murmur, his voice soft, almost reverent.  his lips are against jinki’s & he sighs into them as taemin melds their bodies together.

~

 everything is so hot: the room, jinki’s body, his own blood.  they rock in tandem, his hands around jinki’s waist & jinki’s legs thrown lazily over his hip & thigh.  his thrusts are steady & their lips are dancing.  he’s going slow because he wants to remember this, remember all of it, & he’s not sure how long he would last if he didn’t, the failure of their first night still illuminated with shame. 

he absorbs the sounds jinki makes & the shifts of his body, addendums to the paradigm in his mind marked ‘jinki’ so that he can remember what pleased his mate most.  his mate breathes through his teeth, sucking in air & exhaling in heavy breaths.  he keeps forming a consonant, biting his lip & breathing it back out in a moan or a gasp.  taemin finds it fascinating & a challenge: he wants to pull the obscenity from his mate’s lips.

so he begins working his hips, his eyes trained on jinki’s mouth, watching for increases or decreases in the stilted declaration.  a little to the left & jinki is arching, the word half-formed & only just dying on his lips.  so he presses hard, thrusts in quicker, & soon enough jinki loses control, a broken cry of “ _fuck!_ ” bursting from his lips.

he moves back & slips his arms under jinki’s thighs, pressing his biceps to the omega’s knees.  jinki’s hands are on his elbows as he moves deeper, surer, the shift in position an unexpected move that felt instinctual & it’s paying off.  jinki’s moans are getting deeper, longer, punctuated by silence as he forgets to breathe, his hands moving from taemin’s elbows to wrap around his neck, pulling the alpha close.  suddenly he hears his name, a gasped, “taemin”, followed by a groan of satisfaction.  & the sound of giggling as jinki tosses his head to the side, eyes squeezed closed & his teeth showing as he continues to laugh.  confused, he frowns & slows down his ministrations, pulling away.  jinki’s eyes fly open, his gaze a mix of mirth & lust, & grabs his forearms, crying, “don’t stop!”

“why are you laughing?”

jinki drops back onto the pillow, tilting his head & watching taemin with a coy look.

“i just...never thought i’d say that,” he said, smiling, “like this.”  he bites his lip & shrugs a shoulder.

taemin’s watching him back, thinking that his mate looks beautiful, sweat-slicked hair stuck to his forehead, his skin glowing with exertion, & how lucky he is to have this particular omega moaning his name, how it’s only slightly strange that they’re in bed together.  after all, he’d spent half of his life convinced of this outcome.

he starts moving again, slowly, an echo of their beginnings.

“is that good?”

jinki’s hands are rubbing up & down taemin’s forearms, his forehead crinkled & his tone incredulous.  “are you seriously asking that?”

taemin chuckles because he realizes how it must have sounded.

“actually yeah, this is kind of new to me.”  jinki looks puzzled & taemin laughs again, still moving slowly.  “you.  you’re new to me.”  the look softens & he’s pulled down into a tender kiss, one full of hope & promise. 

"yes, it’s good,” he murmurs against taemin’s lips, “but if you don't start moving faster i may die & that would be not good."  taemin laughs again & resumes his earlier ministrations.

~

he hopes he’s reading the omega’s expressions, the desperation of his tone, & that jinki is getting close because he definitely is.  he kisses his mate as he pulls out, guiding him onto his hands & knees, enjoying the way jinki shudders & groans as he runs his fingers over the patterned mehndi on the omega’s back. 

he doesn’t like not being able to see jinki’s face but he’s working on some sort of instinct that he doesn’t understand, one that has him biting down on jinki’s bond mark, an action that has jinki crying out & tightening around him, his strokes slickening with omega fluids.  he feels himself growing warm & something strange, unfamiliar: a knot.  it happens quickly, their bodies suddenly locked together & the sound jinki makes is unlike anything he’s ever heard.  he wants to hear it again, wants to be the reason the omega can’t hold back, wants to do it all over again.

but he also doesn’t ever want this moment to end.   

they lay there as thousands of years of evolution runs its course through their flesh, catching their breath & slowly cooling down.  jinki’s grabbed both of his hands & tucked them under his head, his eyes closed & taemin wonders if he’s sleeping.

“not sleeping,” he murmurs, a faint smile on his lips, “just resting.  need energy.”

though they’ve left the lodge, it’s still their honeymoon, & they spend the evening celebrating in places & positions both creative & mundane, with an eagerness appropriate to such an occasion.

the sun is waking up when they finally fall asleep.


	6. Confession

jinki wakes up warm & sore.  the pressure of an arm rests above his hip & a hand is at his waist.  he plays with the fingers absently, still a little groggy.  there’s a smile on his face as he remembers where he is & why his body aches.  the room is softly lit, sunlight blocked by wooden blinds that let little white streams of light through their slats.  he chuckles when he realizes that they hadn’t even bothered to make sure the windows were covered.

he can’t see much of the room, just the little bit that’s in front of him.  there’s a dresser shoved haphazardly in the corner & a wooden table, no drawer, topped with a lamp beside his side of the bed.

 _his_ side, he thinks, his smile growing wider. 

beyond that is a bank of windows.  he counts three so far, though judging by the brightness of the room there must be more.  he has no recollection; he wasn’t paying attention when he first entered. 

a thin sheet rests over them that was definitely not there when they fell asleep & he warms at the thought of taemin making sure they didn’t get cold while they slept.  the sheets are amazingly soft, dark gray, obviously old & worn, & he breathes deeply the smell of taemin interwoven in the fabric.  he wants to return the favor: he wants to make breakfast for his alpha.  he begins to move forward but laughs as he is pulled back, taemin’s arm adjusting its grip around jinki’s waist.

“morning,” is murmured in his ear & a kiss pressed to his neck, the side unmarked by taemin’s bite.

“morning.”  he slips his own fingers through his mate’s & they rest softly against his stomach.  “i was going to make breakfast.”

“five more minutes.”  jinki chuckles & shifts so that he can see taemin’s face.  the alpha’s eyes are closed & he wonders for a moment if he’s been talking in his sleep the whole time.  it’s hard to tell because his breath is evening out yet his grip is not relaxing.  he leans into his alpha‘s chest, keeps their fingers entwined & waits.  when next he tries he’s met with no resistance.

chuckling, he slips out of their bed & steps into the pants lying haphazardly on the floor, searching for his shirt before he remembers it’s still out in the front area.  the wood floor is cool beneath his feet as he makes his way out, finding his shirt & pulling it back over his head.  the kitchen is foreign to him, the layout different from the apartment he had been living in, & nothing is where it logically should be. 

at least the fridge is well stocked. 

there are benefits to being bonded to a stranger he’s familiar with, he thinks, one of which is knowing what sort of breakfast to prepare.  he sets the rice to steam & some eggs to boil, the smell of the coffee as it begins to percolate a familiar scent in this unfamiliar terrain.  he starts when he feels two arms slip around his waist, so wrapped up in his preparations that he’d neither heard nor scented the approaching alpha.

“morning”, is murmured in his ear, again, & another kiss pressed to the smooth side of his neck.

“morning.”  they rock back & forth, just slightly, taemin’s arms around him & their hands overlapping.  his alpha is warm & familiar, & very, very naked.  he turns around in his arms, smiling at taemin as he slips his hands behind the alpha’s back & pulls their hips together, grinding gently.  the alpha groans & drops his head to jinki’s shoulder & the omega kisses him behind the ear.

“what am i going to do with you?”, taemin mutters into his shoulder.

“hopefully what you did last night,” he whispers into the alpha’s ear with a grin, “and this morning.”  taemin turns & catches his lips in a kiss, one that grows deeper as the boiling water behind them grows louder.  the hiss of water splashing against the hot stove breaks them apart & jinki moves quickly to turn the burner off & take the pot over to the sink.  he laughs as taemin’s hands sneak back around his waist, his mate’s chin bouncing on his shoulder as he strains the hot water out of the pot & slips the cooked eggs into the waiting bowl of ice water.

when he’s finished he leans his head up against taemin’s shoulder, smiling into a lazy kiss.  taemin’s hands slip lower pulling a gasp out of jinki’s lips that he absorbs with his own.  the omega grinds back against his mate with increasing urgency.  taemin turns them around, pressing jinki up against the counter & tossing his mate’s shirt back to where it had lain through the night.

they never make it to the bedroom.

the coffee requires reheating when they finally eat their meal. 

 

it’s late afternoon & they’re back in bed, tangled in sheets with their feet poking out & their heads propped up on their folded hands, facing each other with silly grins. 

“why did you say yes?”  it’s a question fraught with danger that taemin is too enamored to recognize.  he feels like the teenager he was when he first began fantasizing about their relationship evolving to this. 

he feels giddy.  

jinki has a shy, coy smile that he hides behind a fist, his gaze still fixated on taemin.

“because it was you”, he says, simply.  taemin smiles because that’s a silly answer.

“so if it was anyone else you would have said no?”  jinki’s smile falls subtly & he immediately regrets his attempt at humor.

“no,” the omega concedes, “i probably would have said yes.  but...i might have given it more thought if it had been someone else.”  his glances away & they’re left in an uncomfortable silence that taemin wants to fill.  he doesn’t have to as jinki’s smile is back on him, warm & bright, & he’s asking taemin the same question.

“because it was you.  it was always you.  i‘ve loved you since i was five.”  it’s a bold confession, one he hadn’t intended to make so abruptly, the words tumbling off his lips.  he doesn’t regret it.  jinki laughs, his eyes squinting shut.

“five?”

“do you remember how we met?” 

“you found me, in the woods.  i was reading & you were sneaking around.  i read my book to you."  he chuckles.  "that may be the only secret you've ever kept in your life."  he smiles & bumps their shoulders together, leaning down to kiss the flesh, an afterthought.

“you were so beautiful.”  jinki rolls his eyes.

“you were five.  & you think everyone is beautiful.”

“no, just you.”  jinki blushes & looks away, a small smile on his lips.

“i’ve been in love with you since i was fourteen.”  the omega looks back, confused.

“you never said anything.”

“i know.”

“why didn’t you ever say anything?”

“i was scared to.”, he says, shrugging.  “if you rejected me...i couldn’t bear the thought.”  jinki kisses his shoulder again & leans his head against it.  he’s silent & they both know that 17-year-old jinki would have rejected 14-year-old taemin.

“you were too young, i couldn’t see you that way.  but maybe when we were older...”, he flushes & taemin kisses the top of his head.

“why didn’t you tell me then?  why did you leave?”, the omega asks, his voice soft.

“because you deserve the best jinki & that's not me.  it's never been me.”  jinki sits up, moving so that his back is against the headboard & he’s looking down at taemin still resting on his stomach.

“why would say that?”

“i saw you with jonghyun.”

“jonghyun?”

“he was always touching you, stroking your hair & leaning his head on your shoulder.”

jinki paused, something flashing in his eyes & taemin could feel his hesitation.  “he was just...scared.  he needed a friend.”  there’s something in his tone that makes taemin curious but he thinks he shouldn’t pry.

“i saw the way he looked at you.”  jinki’s face scrunches in confusion.

“what way?”

“like you were the most beautiful creature he’d ever seen.” 

“but that’s just jonghyun.  he looks at everyone like that.”

“maybe.  but then i saw the way you smiled at him.  you don’t even smile at minho like that.  you looked so happy, so content.  i’d never made you smile like that.  i wanted you to be happy.”

jinki just stares at him, his brows still furrowed in confusion.  it melts, slowly, into sadness.  “i wasn’t”, he says, “i missed you.”  it’s quiet & the sound of him moving his hand to cover taemin’s crinkles through the air.  “you were my friend.  you were there & then you were gone.”  his voice wavers, the pain in his eyes a shock to taemin who is finding it harder to breathe.  “i thought it was because of jongin & by the time i realized how it all must have seemed to you you were with junmyeon.”

“what about jongin?”  jinki freezes, looking down at the alpha who’s watching him in confusion.

“i...”  he hesitates too long, can see the moment when the pieces fall into place, the click behind his mate’s eyes.

“you & jongin?”

“it’s not-“

“you said i was too young.  you said that.”  he’s sitting up slowly, the sheet pooling around his knees & disgust marring his features & jinki’s heart is breaking because they’ve just, just started putting their lives together & if taemin didn’t already know this could rip it all to shreds again.

“it’s not-“

“he’s younger than me, jinki!”

“yes, i know.”

“you couldn’t even fathom to think of me but you could let him fuck you?”

“taemin i-”

it’s too late, taemin’s already pulling his pants back on, a shirt thrown angrily over his head, moving down the hall faster than jinki can even get out of the bed, his movements hindered by the sheet twisted around his legs.

“wait!”, he calls, running after taemin, shaking when the cold air hits his naked skin & from the trepidation coursing through his veins.

“just give me a minute, jinki”, he says as he stomps into his sandals, “i just found out that the man i love & my best friend were fucking & no one thought to tell me about it.”  he grabs his keys off the counter & the door slams behind him.

jinki wants to follow him but the sound of the car starting & peeling out of the parking lot takes his chance with it: he has no idea where taemin is going.

he goes back to the bedroom, back to where only a few minutes ago they had been happy, & grabs a pair of sweat paints & an old t-shirt, worn soft but still in good condition, then goes back out to sit quietly on the sofa, fiddling with his mating band.  hours pass, the room settling into darkness.

he starts to cry.  he hates it, he’s so angry he wants to hit something but the only action his body will allow him to take is to weep.  it’s the bond, it’s too fresh, it’s keeping him complacent.  he’s frustrated & tired & decides to bathe, to keep his mind occupied & to fight the fatigue of tears & of uncertainty.  standing in the shower, tears still slipping down his cheeks & deep sobs racking his chest, he scrubs his hair, feeling lost.

he’s dressed again, his hair damp & his skin warm, standing in the hallway deciding.  the bedroom is to the left & the sofa is to the right & neither of them feel particularly inviting.  the sheets will be imbued with taemin’s scent, of their sex, of the moments of joy that feel so long ago.  the sofa will be neutral, still smelling of taemin but much more subdued.  falling asleep on it, as he’s sure will happen if taemin doesn’t return soon, is such a humiliating prospect: he’s only been bonded for four days.

in the end he chooses the bedroom because he’d rather be surrounded by the hope of taemin’s scent than the despair of its absence.  he lies down & pulls the sheet that had trapped him earlier up to his chin.  he props his pillow over a bicep & rests his head on it, pulling taemin’s up to his chest, his breaths a constant inhalation of the alpha’s scent.  the smell of his mate to his bonded omega senses is supposed to be the scent of security, a reminder that he is claimed & protected.  it’s ironic how actions & sensory perceptions could be so undeniably in conflict.  he falls into a fitful sleep, hoping that taemin will be there when he wakes up.

 

taemin stares down at the doorknob, waiting for his friend to respond to his knock.  when jongin opens the door taemin studies him carefully.  tall, thin but toned, golden skin & soft pink lips.  no wonder jinki was attracted to him. 

"hey.”  jongin's deep voice, sleepy, breaks into taemin's thoughts.  he stares into his best friend's dark eyes, searching.  and then he punches him in the face.  jongin keels back, his fingers pressed to his cheek. 

"what the hell taemin?!" 

"jinki told me."  shock is replaced by fury & it burns on jongin's face. 

“told you what?”

“about how you fucked him.”  jongin’s eyes narrow & he opens his mouth to speak, closes it, his eyes hardening as he shifts his stance, arms crossed tightly across his chest.

"and?” 

taemin’s eyes sting & his chest hurts but he won’t cry, not in front of jongin, not over this.  he’s angry, he wants his friend to see his fury & not his heartbreak.

“you knew i was in love with him!  you knew!”  jongin’s eyes turn dark, his lips pulled down in the most vicious snarl taemin has ever seen, & he almost steps back at the venomous glare his friend has on him.

“i did what i did because jinki needed help.  and i never told you because it wasn’t your business, you didn’t deserve to know.”

he steps closer & taemin is furious, ready to fight.

“you weren’t in love, taemin.  you idolized him, you put him up on a pedestal, & when it seemed you couldn’t compete you walked away.  love doesn’t abandon, taemin, love stays.  even when it hurts, love stays.  especially when the other is happy.  you can’t have it both ways.  you can’t say you’re in love with a man & then quit him when he seems happy without you.  you were selfish, you were cruel, & jinki never deserved that.”

they’re nearly chest to chest & jongin is staring down at him, his jaw clenching & his eyes daggers, the height he has over taemin obvious.  and his words cut, they slice him to the core.  because he had never thought of it that way, has never thought of it that way.  he’d left because his heart had been broken & he’d stayed away because he thought he was protecting jinki, keeping him safe, giving him the freedom to be happy because he seemed to be so without taemin.  he would just be a burden & one that he didn’t think his friend deserved. 

jinki deserved the world & taemin was barely a block of cement on a sidewalk; insignificant in the grand scheme, dull & rough.

perhaps he was wrong.

and he wonders again how jinki could ever have agreed to this pairing.

“maybe.”  it’s all he can say, it’s all he’s ready to say.  jongin’s eyes narrow further & he appears ready to say more, to chastise taemin further.  but he seems to think better of it, whether he sees something in taemin’s eyes as he searches his face, or if he decides taemin’s not worth the effort he’s not sure.  either way, he stops.

“you’re an alpha, taemin.  that means keeping jinki safe is your job, that jinki is safe when he‘s with you, that he’s safe because of you.  which means listening to what he says, something you’re obviously not doing if you’re here & he’s at home.  you think you know what happened?  you wouldn’t be here if you actually did.  go home.  become the man you thought you were & love jinki the way you think he should be loved.  stop being so damn selfish.”  he turns & slams the door behind him, flicking off the porch light, drowning taemin in blackness.

when he lets himself back into the apartment it’s well beyond midnight; he’s not sure how many hours have passed.  after his fight with jongin he’d gone to the park where their bond had been announced, sitting on the bench where he’d heard his name linked with jinki’s just two weeks ago, staying until it was too cold to remain.  a form of penance, jongin’s words swirling through his thoughts.

he heads straight to the washroom because his body aches, because he’s exhausted, & because it’s an excuse: he’s not ready to face jinki yet.  the man who stares back at him in the mirror is familiar & hated, an alpha who fails at the simplest tasks, who can never make jinki happy.  he turns away & steps into the shower, muting everything with its pulsing sound.  when he’s dried he steps out of the warmth of the steam filled room into the chill of the hall, the air cooling the dampness on the back of his neck.  soft padding sounds echo in the silent apartment as he moves down the tiny hallway & walks into the bedroom, the door left wide open.

jinki is on the bed, whimpering in his sleep, taemin’s pillow clutched in his fist.  as he approaches he sees the marks of tears drying on the omega’s face & a fury he has never before experienced burns in his chest because his omega is in pain.

and he is the cause.

without even thinking he reaches out & brushes a few loose strands from the omega’s forehead, surprised when jinki moves into the touch & stills.

“i’m so sorry,” he whispers, not certain for which sin he’s currently apologizing.  maybe all of them.

 _if the one you love is happy you should stay_.  taemin makes jinki sad.

 _keeping jinki safe is your job_.  jinki is not safe with taemin, he gets hurt.

 _stop being selfish_.  they’re bonded now, he has to protect jinki.

he leans down & kisses jinki’s temple, letting his fingers linger in his hair.

 

when jinki wakes in the morning he is alone. 

there’s no sign of taemin, no change in the scent of their bed.


	7. Limbo

jinki stands alone in an apartment he’s lived in for barely more than a day unsure what to do. 

he’d checked his phone when he realized taemin wasn’t there & found a text saying that he had gone in early & planned to stay late.  he’d find it more reassuring if he hadn’t noticed taemin’s bag missing.

he makes himself breakfast & eats it in silence.  when he’s done he takes the dishes to the sink, numbly but efficiently scrubbing them & the ones he used to make his meal, stacking them in the metal rack to dry.

he brushes his hands over the counter, sweeping crumbs into an open palm & pouring them into the wastebasket.  soon the counters are wiped down, the floor swept, dirty linens gathered up & tossed into a wicker basket he finds sitting atop the dryer hidden in a little closet in the hallway.  he finds himself with a kitchen identical to the one he had been met with earlier that morning: clean, shiny, sterile.  hesitantly, he decides to run his holiday clothes through the wash, the hum of the machine a welcome reprieve from the stifling silence.

jinki sighs as he glances around the apartment.  it’s larger than his own was, more spacious. 

and he is trapped within its walls.

he has no keys, no cash, no way to get to where he might go, & no idea where that might even be.  while taemin’s position is secure, this early in the bond jinki knows that his role is no longer as an instructor but as a mate to his alpha, the not-so-subtle suggestion that he take a respite to ‘get to know’ his mate a veiled dismissal from his position.  he holds no resentment.  he knew when he presented as an omega that this would be an aspect of his life, that he would be mated to an alpha & bear their children.

children.

he rubs his abdomen absently.  his heat is coming soon & it is wreaking havoc with his emotions.  his hand slows its ministration as he fully acknowledges, for the first time, what had been a fleeting thought throughout the bonding preparations: he may well end his first heat as a bonded omega pregnant with taemin’s child.  it was a reality he hadn’t allowed himself to dwell on, apprehensive up until the very final moments of the ceremony that the other would finally decline.

but he hadn’t & now they are at an impasse.

he makes his way to the bathroom, running the shower as hot as he can stand it, staring at his reflection as the mirror slowly fogs.  the mark has actually blossomed under taemin’s fresh bite, a design taking shape.  he squints at it, wiping away the condensation & turning his neck for a clearer view.  he’s anxious to see what mark will signify to strangers that he is a bonded omega.

of course, he thinks, suddenly recognizing the familiar design, it could not have been anything else.  the memories flash just below the surface & this time he’s awake so he’s able to press them back down.  they’re not as strong now, the bond with taemin a balm over the wound that has never healed.  perhaps it never will, but it’s softer now.

there is nothing much else to do as the hours pass.  he could call minho or kibum, but he’s not sure how he would answer their questions when so much has gone wrong, & they would know if he lied.  besides, if taemin is at the studio kibum will see him there & know anyway.  he blankets himself in the quiet & empties his mind, waits for the hour that his alpha will return.

nightfall again comes without taemin.

jinki begins texting an hour before taemin should have been leaving the studio, asking if there was anything particular he would like prepared for dinner.  messages pass between them during the intervening hours without any conclusion.  the most painful part is that taemin answers every text.  he isn’t ignoring jinki, he just isn’t coming back. 

he resigns himself to his mate’s continued absence & makes himself a light meal.  a can of his favorite soup is found amongst the ample supply of food in taemin’s pantry, most of it familiar from his own modest stash at his old apartment, & he eats it slowly, his stomach in knots.

though jinki clings to the hope as long as he can, the choice to stay awake & wait for taemin to return appears increasingly foolish as the passing hours prove it to be less & less likely to happen.

and he can’t bring himself to text taemin anymore.

the bed is cold when he climbs in, barren, & he’s alone, surrounded by the scent of his mate, when his screams wake him in the middle of the night.

 

taemin spends the next three days making certain to habitate everywhere but home.  he’s constantly at the studio, arriving early & staying far longer than necessary, avoiding kibum & the beta’s piercing stare.  he bathes there & sleeps in his car, spending the intervening hours playing billiards & drinking too much, never drunk but never sober, until closing hour.  he pulls the picture from their honeymoon out of his wallet & stares at it with a fuzzy mind & a broken heart, brushing his thumb over his mate’s face & wishing he was a better man. 

everything he does is to protect jinki.  everything he does is to protect himself.

it’s the fourth night of his abstention & he’s at the bar, again, spinning a straw through a rum & coke, the eddy in the dark liquid a metaphor for his present situation, of how he moves in circles instead of expanding outside his narrow perception of what is & isn’t right, fracturing his relationship with jinki.  how he had for years.

he hears his name & looks up to see minho storming towards him with fire in his eyes.  of course, he thinks, kibum told him.  taemin simultaneously prepares to be beaten & wonders how he can protect the beta from the repercussions of breaking social protocol by striking an alpha.  even one who deserves it so thoroughly as taemin knows he does.

he stops merely inches away, towering over taemin, & this close he realizes that the beta is keeping his composure by only the thinnest of measures: the vein in his neck is pulsating, his breath is labored, & his face is flushed, fists balled at his side & it’s a wonder, taemin thinks, that he hasn’t used those gripped fingers to punch him in the face.

it’s not what he expects.

“stop.”, the beta says, and then he stares at him.  just stares.  silent.  it’s worse than the beating taemin was prepared to receive & he wishes minho would strike him & get it over with.

he doesn’t.  silence, that’s what he directs at taemin, just silence.

and taemin knows what he wants, what he’s demanding the alpha do, what he knows he must, so he begins to agree, to say “ok”, his mouth forming the word.  at the inhale of breath though the beta storms off, fists still clenched & taemin thinks that he has been given a chance that he won’t ever have again.

he has no intention of wasting it.

jinki is asleep when he enters their bedroom, a mirroring of his actions three nights before, lying on his back with his head tilted slightly to the side, mouth open & his breath soft.  guilt engulfs him & he thinks he shouldn’t be here, jinki is too vulnerable.  he leaves, again, protecting jinki while he sleeps.

 

the scent of an alpha wakes jinki with a start.  he nearly trips over the sheet as he rushes toward the front of the apartment, breathing the scent deeply the entire way.  he stops abruptly next to the kitchen table, his hand falling to rest on the back of a chair.  taemin is lying on his front on the sofa, a sock & half of his shirt the only clothing remaining on his sleeping body.  it’s an amusing sight.  one arm, the one still caught in the shirt, hanging over the edge, fingers brushing the carpet, while the other is propped straight over the armrest.  jinki laughs, both because of the positioning of his mate & out of relief of his return.  the omega instincts in him want to placate his mate, to lean over his slumbering form & kiss him awake.  he moves to do so when realizes that he doesn’t know why taemin’s returned.  there are too many questions between them now & he’s uncertain what taemin’s reaction would be to such an overture.  he stands undecided before sighing, turning around, & moving into the kitchen to make breakfast for himself & his sleeping alpha.

taemin’s smile is sheepish & he looks crumpled, marks from the sofa’s upholstery embedded in his skin.  he apologizes for his absences, makes a light joke that falls flat, & jinki audibly forgives him because there is nothing else he can say.  he still doesn’t understand why taemin left, why he stayed away, why he’s come back, & he’s afraid to ask.

he wants him to stay. 

questions might make him leave again.

besides, there’s so much woven within them, history & pain & the truth of their estrangement.  he doesn’t want to talk about any of that now, he wants to keep the mood light, to keep taemin happy.  he takes the words resting silently on his tongue & breathes them into taemin’s mouth, muffling them with a kiss as he moves to straddle the alpha’s lap.

they’re not speaking but they are communicating, the movements of their bodies expressing everything their mouths won’t.  a kiss to jinki’s shoulder is an apology, the omega’s arms gripped tightly around his neck a “please don’t leave me”.  heavy breaths & whispered groans are the only sounds their lips make, brushing against collarbones, necks, shoulders, tugging in the other’s for a kiss, tasting the other’s mouth.

they’ve created a limbo for themselves where they’re not really anything to each other: more than strangers but not yet friends, not exactly.  the promise of their first days hidden in the shadows of their fears & instead of facing them they link their bodies & grind the uncertainties away.

it’s easier.

as the days pass, jinki is there to grab taemin by the belt & push his jacket off when he reaches the door, turning them around & pressing himself up against the sturdy wood, deftly unbuckling his mate with one hand & clutching the back of his neck with the other.  he bends himself over tabletops & the back of their sofa, climbs up eagerly onto their bed. 

sex is what they’ve built together, the only connection they’ve made as a bonded pair, & he’s desperate to make taemin stay, to make him want to say, to create a link between their home & his sexual pleasure.  so he offers it up freely, willingly, desperately, does anything he can think of, pays attention to the things that make taemin groan the loudest, the ones where the alpha loses himself.  those are the things he makes sure to do again & again.

taemin thinks it’s what jinki needs, thinks about how jinki has always been eager, an initiator, that the bond may have created a sexual appetite that may have not been there before.  he remembers the kisses of apology & forgiveness & thinks maybe this is the same.  if he thinks about it too much he’ll realize that he has no way of knowing so he doesn’t focus on the notion, just lets his head fall back on the wall, the back of the sofa, or a pile of pillows & lets jinki’s pliant lips engulf him.

this is their life.   

 

jinki is screaming.  taemin doesn’t know what to do so he watches, perplexed.  when jinki starts fighting off an invisible enemy he takes him into his arms & holds him tight, as tight as he can against his chest, his fingers grasping jinki’s wrists.  it’s terrifying: he’s never seen anything like it before.  dimly he realizes that he hasn’t been around to.  & if this is what jinki endures, what he has endured alone, then taemin is an even bigger bastard than he thought. 

the sleeping pills. 

this is what they were for.

he wants to say something, murmur into jinki’s ear, let him know that he’s safe.  so he does, his voice low & soft because he doesn’t think loud will be of any use in this moment.  “ _you’re safe_ ” is his refrain, repeated over & over like a prayer, “ _you’re safe, you’re safe_.”,  & jinki begins settling, his breath still heavy & ragged.  soon he’s turning in taemin’s arms, pressing his face into taemin’s chest & whimpering.

he kisses jinki’s temple.

“that was scary.”  jinki stiffens.  he leans back, looking up at taemin, his eyes wide & teary.  taemin smiles sadly & kisses his forehead.  “you’re safe now.”  jinki’s still watching him, something heavy in his gaze & taemin’s stomach drops when he bites out “am i?”  

suddenly he’s ripping himself from the alpha’s arms, throwing the covers back, slipping out of the bed & across the room before taemin can even process a response.  the slamming of the bathroom door startles him into action, & he slowly makes his way towards his mate.  he twists the knob gently, relieved that in his anger jinki hadn't thought to press the lock, & steps inside.

jinki is sitting on the edge of the tub, elbows propped on his knees, palms pressed into his eyes as his body shakes.  coming closer taemin takes in the image of his mate in distress: soft waves falling over his face, muscles in his back & shoulders twitching, a bare torso, & feet poking out of striped pajama pants. 

he was so beautiful & in such pain. 

"what do you dream about?", he asks, standing at the vanity, thinking that at this moment of vulnerability jinki might want to be left alone, unsure himself of how to bring him comfort.

jinki takes a deep breath, briskly rubbing the tears out of his eyes & raising his head. 

“the war.”

the air in taemin’s lungs evaporates.  no one talks about the war, at least no one he knows.  the consensus amongst the elders seems to be that it is finished & there is no point in discussing it further.  it was before taemin’s memories & no one he knows has parents so the loss is not felt.  that jinki remembers, that jinki knows what it was like is devastating.

“how...”

“pieces, just pieces.  my mother,” he tilts his head & puts his hand to his collarbone, his fingers pointing towards the dark bloom of his bond mark.  “she grew these.  there was a small garden in the front yard, behind a low fence, & she grew them inside.  she let me help & hummed while we played in the dirt.  they’re the only thing i have to remind me of her, memories of planting flowers.”

it’s a heavy revelation & he’s in awe at jinki for carrying this weight with a smile all these years. 

he’s not prepared for what jinki’s reveals next.

“we were in the garden when the bombs fell.”, he says, looking at his feet.  “dirt flew everywhere.  & my mother...she didn’t move.  that’s where they found me, the elders.  the war ended that same day.”

“so my bite...”, taemin says slowly, his heart aching, “it’s a reminder of the worst day of your life.”

“no, the best.  the best days of my life.  don’t you see?  there are no pictures of something so mundane.  no one after a war thinks ‘i should stop & catalogue this small garden in front of a little house that belongs to a simple family that no one has ever heard of’.  these don’t grow here, taemin, i’ve never seen them anywhere else.  i don’t even remember what they’re called.  but this is what bloomed on my neck when we bonded, the only memory i have of home.”

he reaches out without looking & taemin grabs the proffered hand, feeling the warm metal of jinki’s ring & kissing the mehndi that has nearly vanished from his skin.

 

a day later jinki is in heat. 

sweaty & shaking on the floor of the kitchen, his over-heated body barely cooled by the chill tiles, he frantically calls taemin’s number with shaky fingers.  he groans as he hears the unmistakable buzz of taemin’s phone, set at vibrate, & lost amongst the cushions of the sofa.  he hangs up in frustration, tossing his phone aside & waits for his alpha to return.  abruptly he reaches back & grabs it up, calling the number again, listening to the buzz from the living room, waiting until the beep on the line to leave his message.

 

taemin’s first thought as he steps into the apartment quickly vanishes as the scent of an omega, _his_ omega, in heat comes wafting from the kitchen.  he can see him from the doorway, shivering, eyes bleary, whimpering on the floor.  jinki is naked  & damp, sweat causing his skin to glisten & his hair to slick back from his forehead.  taemin can smell his omega’s arousal & he sees the fluids leaking out of jinki’s body.  as he shuts the door behind him & leans against it, jinki’s head whips around & he pants out taemin’s name.

taemin swallows because his heart is beginning to race, his body reacting to the pheromones in the air & the look on the omega’s face.  but he has doubts & they keep him rooted by the entrance.  he would be breaking no laws if he mounted jinki here & now, pinned him to the floor & fucked him well.  but laws are written by alphas & he wonders if omegas were consulted in their formation because the way jinki is looking at him now, the way he is rubbing himself against the floor & moaning suggests to taemin that his ability to consent has been highly compromised.  he breathes through his mouth, fighting biology as his pants become unbearably tight & the desire to take off his clothes intensifies, his body heating up to an excruciating degree.  it crosses his mind that this would not be their first sexual encounter, that jinki had even in the past initiated things.  but past actions do not predicate present consent & he refuses to let one dictate the other.

however, no matter how he looks at it, he is left with a terrible dilemma.  if he does not take jinki during his heat it will be a longer, more agonizing one than jinki has ever endured, his body knowing that there is an alpha who should be claiming him & stretching out his fertility to give them every opportunity to plant their seed.  but if he does, it may be against jinki’s desires, a sin for which he can never receive absolution.  everything is precarious & it would be a true betrayal.

a sudden buzzing from the living room draws his attention & he moves toward it, grateful for the distraction.  his head is fuzzy as he swipes the screen & sees the missed call & voicemail from jinki.  he dials & listens to the message left by his mate.  he watches jinki with the phone against his ear & his mate’s voice resonating from the earpiece.  his voice is clear & what he says are the only words that could have convinced taemin that he has jinki’s full consent for what’s about to happen.

the phone is tossed back against the cushions as he moves toward jinki, kneeling down beside him as jinki begins whispering to him, his hand pressed against taemin’s chest & his blown eyes fixated on him in desperation.  taemin leans down & kisses his mate desperately as he unbuckles & slips his pants hastily off over his ankles, pulling away just long enough to rip his shirt over his head: he wants to feel jinki’s skin against his own.  he leans back over jinki, feeling the sweat on his back slip against his chest & begins kissing him again.  the omega begins to reach back but the alpha takes his mate’s hand & places it back on the floor, pressing it against the cold wood with his own, their fingers mingling.  he hooks his other arm behind jinki’s knee, spreading his legs wide before he pushes in, jinki groaning in relief as his desperate body finally has his alpha deep inside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the inscription on jinki's ring was essentially this: “i will need your forgiveness.” when jinki called he said “i read the ring, taemin. i forgive you. please help me.”
> 
> jinki's bond mark is a dark hibiscus syriacus (korean rose).


	8. Fervor

heavy grunts & guttural moans echo off the walls as the smell of sex fills the apartment.  jinki’s knees dig into the cold floor, his hips in the air as taemin fucks him from behind.  their fingers are linked, their bond bands pressed together, & his empty hand braces against the hard wood for traction. 

they don’t talk this time: no flirting, no coy glances.  they’re desperate, a biological urge that has their blood on fire & the need to copulate overriding every other sense.  jinki’s dripping wet & taemin’s thrusts are slick & fast, their bodies jerking on the floor.      

taemin bites jinki’s bond mark when he comes.

he’s furious when it ends, his knot locking them together as jinki absorbs everything his body releases.  but jinki is pushing back on him, kissing his wrist & whimpering.  & he’s not softened.

when he can finally pull away he stands them both up, sucking jinki’s lips & tongue into his mouth as he moves them towards the bedroom.  they barely make it three steps before he’s pulling jinki back down to the ground, this time on his back, & fucking him to the floor. 

it’s incredible the sounds the omega makes, the way he smells as they fuck, & taemin keeps his nose pressed against jinki’s neck to absorb it all.  jinki’s legs are spread wide, feet braced against the floor, & he clutches at taemin’s back, moaning into his ear.  again, it’s over too quickly & his knot keeps them linked, frustrating taemin’s desires. 

they move again, taemin pulling jinki up onto unsteady feet, making it halfway down the hallway before he’s pushing jinki against a wall.  the omega props his leg on the wooden stool as taemin grabs him by the ass & lifts him up, thrusting into him, grunting, making the frames on the wall shake, one falling to the floor & shattering.  jinki holds his head in his hands, alternately sucking his tongue into his mouth & groaning into his ear.  taemin bites jinki again when he comes, this time on a shoulder, & struggles to keep them both upright as his knot holds them together.

the bed is where they should have begun in the first place, omegas craving the softness & security of their domain when mating in heat.  but everything had happened too quickly & it is only a spark in the alpha’s muddled mind that gets them to their destination.

taemin is barely kind when he drops jinki to the mattress.  he crawls up to follow his mate only to find himself flat on his back and his omega pressing down, rolling his hips & fucking himself on taemin’s length. 

he grabs jinki’s hips & drops his head back. 

hours pass & the intervals between fucking lengthen, their bodies no longer desperate for the alpha’s impregnation of the omega.  it’s softer now.

he’s behind jinki, both of them on their sides, with the omega’s knee hooked over his elbow, his hand pressed against jinki’s chest.  their ringed hands are linked beside jinki’s bond mark & his arm is around taemin’s neck, holding him tightly against his body as taemin, finally coming to his senses, grows more interested in pleasing his mate than just fucking his omega.

he begins to speak now, small utterances of “yes” & “jinki” spilling into air perfumed with their combined scents.

it’s when jinki murmurs “taemin” & looks over his shoulder at him that he knows that they’re both becoming aware.  he kisses his mate & brushes fingers across his nipples, teasing every part of the omega’s body he can until he’s crying out into taemin’s mouth.  when taemin comes he rocks their bodies slowly, as gently as he can while they’re melded together.

he thinks about everything that has been said, everything that has been done, everything he will need to do.  he thinks about jinki & how vulnerable he was & how frightened taemin was that he would hurt him.  he thinks about the message jinki left, about how he knew exactly what to say to clear taemin’s doubts, about how he has them still.  he thinks about how beautiful jinki is, how his skin glows & how soft it is.  how jinki is always beautiful, has always been beautiful.  how his thighs are glorious in jeans & his hips curve softly.  how his eyes crinkle when he laughs & how his crooked teeth are cute & perfect.  he thinks about the mehndi on jinki’s fingers as they’re twined with his own, how it’s near-faded appearance marks their time together.

he thinks about these things as he leans over to kiss behind jinki’s ear, to nuzzle the damp hair & to breathe jinki’s scent again.

“i love you,” he whispers into the strands, quietly so that jinki won’t hear.

he’s still hard & jinki’s pressing against him, less intensely but still desirous.

he moves them around so that they’re in the same position they were the first time they did this, the day that seems so long ago but from which not even a week has passed.

he leans down to kiss his mate & it’s softer this time, sweeter.

jinki’s arms are around his neck when taemin slips in, his fingers carding through the strands that are sticking up everywhere.

“your hair looks silly”, he says, his voice gravelly & he looks happy, tired.  taemin laughs as he moves a little faster, working his hips in the way that had made jinki moan his name before.  it works & soon he hears “taemin” slipping through his mate’s lips, no longer followed by laughter because it is second nature to them now.  just before jinki comes he moves them around, laying himself over the back of his omega as he groans through his orgasm, himself soon to follow.  they’re locked together, a familiar position, acutely aware that jinki’s heat is ending & they’re now responsible for the actions they take.

he doesn’t want it to end, he wants to stay in the security of ignorance as long as possible.

but he wants jinki to stop hurting more. 

when he pulls away he opens his mouth to speak, to start the conversation that has been so long overdue, laughing when he realizes that jinki has fallen asleep.  he pulls a sheet over them & lays down beside him, a hand pressed to his shoulder in case he should have a nightmare.  


	9. Amend

jinki wakes up alone & for one terrifying moment believes he has been left behind again.  the thought frightens him & he has to blink back the tears that suddenly burn in his eyes.  he’d never experienced a heat with an alpha before.  every muscle aches, he can feel a bruise on his shoulder when he shifts to his side, but there is an all-encompassing sense of satisfaction from being fucked by an alpha while in heat: he’s never been so sated in his life

but maybe taemin didn’t feel the same way.  maybe it had been too much, or not enough.  maybe he had only come back for jinki’s heat & now that it was over he had left again.  he squeezes his eyes closed because the temptation to cry is strong, his thoughts swirling with “maybes”, & he doesn’t actually know anything yet.  he takes a deep breath to calm his nerves, catching the interweaving scents of eggs & breakfast meats in the air. 

and his alpha.

he opens his eyes & breathes deeper, catching the scent again: it’s not an illusion.  hopeful yet wary, he slips out of bed, steps into a pair of cotton pants, & heads down the hall.

taemin stands at the stove, a spatula in hand that he intermittently uses to scrape fluffy eggs in a black pan & flip sausage patties sizzling in a flat skillet.  there’s a hum in the backdrop to the smell of cooking food, the coffee machine percolating near the sink.

the alpha makes no indication of having noticed his arrival, perhaps the task of cooking keeping his senses too occupied.  so jinki stands & just watches, a little smile on his lips because it is clearly not taemin’s habit to prepare food that requires actual care.  he’s staring far too intensely, focused far too strongly on a simple breakfast that requires no more skill than the flip of a wrist & the sense to not let anything burn.

which means that he is doing this for jinki. 

no one goes to such trouble for themselves.

taemin looks up, startled, & then smiles.  it’s guarded & doesn’t quite reach his eyes.

“hi.”

“hi.”  he flushes at how raw his voice sounds, how gravelly.

“are you...,” taemin reaches out to touch jinki’s cheek, his eyes skimming over the bruises that litter jinki’s body, the bite on his shoulder stark against his pale, uncovered skin.  the omega looks down & smiles because it looks far worse than it is.  and he kind of likes them, mementos of their first heat together.

“matches my leg.”  taemin laughs nervously, still eyeing jinki with trepidation.

“i just...”, he waves the spatula at the hot stove, a bit of egg falling onto the pan of meat, “i thought i’d make us breakfast.”  he looks back & smiles sheepishly, his empty hand rubbing against his neck.  “obviously.”

“obviously.”  they both laugh a little, looking down at their feet.

“it’s just...we’ve had a rough start & maybe...we could...just...talk, i guess.”  he shrugs & looks at jinki with eyes that are frightened.  not nervous, frightened.  it’s startling & he feels the weight of the moment.

“watch out for the sausage,” he says, not as a distraction but because the air is beginning to fill with the smell of food burning.  taemin whips his attention back to their breakfast, one last fluff of the eggs & flip of the meat.  he scrapes it all onto a set of plates that he puts on the table, turning back to grab them some forks out of a drawer. 

“that would be nice.”  taemin still has the utensils in hand, clutched in his fist when jinki speaks & he stops in his tracks, confusion on his face & the forks in the air.

“what?”

“talking.  that would be nice.  i have...it would be nice.”  he’s blushing, he can feel it.  so he smiles timidly & lets taemin pull out his chair.

despite their intentions, they eat in silence, taemin rising only briefly to prepare jinki an iced coffee with what he was brewing earlier, placing the tumbler next to jinki’s hand with pride.

he looks so satisfied with himself, his eyes bright & a nervous smile barely contained, that it breaks something between them, some sheer wall that they could see each other through but couldn’t breach.  jinki laughs his thanks which makes taemin laugh, & they’re smiling goofily at each other as they finish their modest meal.

taemin insists on cleaning up the breakfast dishes & that jinki wait for him on the sofa.  it’s more comfortable than the kitchen table, less intimidating than the bedroom.  he watches from his perch as the alpha scrubs away the evidence of their morning. 

he’s just finished when there’s a knock on the door, insistent & familiar in a way that jinki can’t place until taemin opens the door & the omega with the marred mark is standing on their stoop, a smile on her face. 

“i hope i’m not bothering you,” she begins, “but i thought i’d come pick up my dish.”  taemin nods & says “of course”, invites her in while he goes to grab it from where it’s been resting on the counter, jinki staring from his place on the sofa.

when she looks over at him with a smile he remembers that he has no shirt, that bruises glow dark against his pale chest & shoulder, & he knows she can’t have missed the smell of sex that still lingers in the air.  he glances around for a cover, grateful when taemin’s hoodie is pressed into his lap, the alpha giving him a smile & wiggling his eyebrows, shameless.

“actually,” she says as taemin places the glassware in her hand, “i just thought i’d come to visit, get to know your mate a little better.”  jinki fidgets uneasily before standing, gesturing to the kitchen table & asking if she’d like some tea or coffee.

“no, thank you.  a glass of juice would be nice if you have some.”  he nods & pulls a pitcher from the fridge, pouring half a glass & placing it before her with a tense smile before sitting across the table, taemin joining him at his side.  without thinking he puts his hand on the alpha’s thigh, gripping the muscle & hoping he doesn’t look as distressed as he feels.

she asks him what he’s employed as & he tells her that before he was bonded to taemin he worked as a vocal instructor in the music corps.  this delights her & she remarks that such creative people must make a good match.

“my mate is a singer & i was a dancer myself.  had you known each other before?”

“we met as children,” taemin replies, his hand slipping over jinki’s & his thumb rubbing over the omega’s wrist.

“ah, friends then?”

“for many years.”  it’s a lie of omission because taemin thinks certain details of his relationship with jinki should remain private, the truth of their past amongst them.  he feels jinki stiffen beside him & he knows he’ll have to explain.  he looks forward to it, to finally breaking the silence.

“it’s good to have that connection, to be friends.  that’s what’s important, to be friends.  love is fickle, it ebbs & flows, but friendship remains during those times.  it’s work but it’s worth it.  i hope you two will be happy.”  they nod in unison & taemin is struck by her words: he hasn’t been a friend to jinki.

“ah, i should go.  eunsook is probably ready for lunch.”  she stands & follows taemin to the door, stopping halfway there before turning around.

“i saw you looking at my mark,” she says, looking directly at jinki.  he flushes, embarrassed to have lacked subtlety.

there’s no use in denying it, or qualifying it, so he mumbles an apology, leaning against a chair.

“i know this mark must frighten you, what it means to an omega to lose their alpha.  my mate is quite ill, i’m not sure she’ll last through the end of the year, & i would give anything to keep her with me.  i don’t regret any of my time with her.  the days that were so beautiful.  even the times we hated each other.  i miss them so much, i can’t forget them.  & i never want to.  this”, she runs her fingers over her mark, “will be a reminder of the love we shared, of how my best friend loved me & i loved her.  so don’t be sad for me, don’t be scared.  just make sure that your bond mark is full of memories you’ll cherish.”  he nods before abruptly stepping forward & leaning down into her embrace, still a little scared but now also a little hopeful.  she holds him close & pats him on the back, waiting for him to pull away before stepping through the door.

“good-bye,” she says as she waves from the walkway.

“good-bye taeyeon,” taemin replies as he steps back in, shutting the door behind her.

 

it’s still in the apartment, the sound of their breaths echo against the walls.  the wall that broke between them is still fallen, but it’s clearer now that pieces remain that will need to be broken down by hand.

“we’re not friends.”  jinki says it quietly, his eyes on taemin who’s still facing the door.

“we were.”  he turns then, hope & trepidation a mix on his face.  “we could be again.”

jinki’s watching him placidly, the smile from before having slipped away.  “you didn’t speak to me for three years”, he says, “you wouldn’t even be talking to me now if we hadn’t been matched up.  strangers brought us together.” 

“i know.”

“we’re bonded now.  you can’t keep leaving me behind.”

another impasse.  neither moves, watching the other carefully from across opposite sides of the room. 

“i don’t know how to be someone’s mate.”

jinki’s stares at him in disbelief.  “we were bonded at the exact same moment, taemin.  this is all new to me too.”

“it’s not...”  he bites his lip, because it makes sense in his head; out loud he’s not sure it will.  “i want to protect you jinki.  from my failures, from my lacking, from me.  i want you to be happy.  i want you to be safe.  that’s why i left.”

jinki gets it.  suddenly, he gets it. 

“i’m not safe when you’re not with me.  you’re not protecting me when you leave.” 

“i’m not leaving you,” taemin says, stepping forward, “ever again.  i love you.”  he reaches out for jinki but the omega steps back, his eyes wary.

“you can’t cut me off for years, taemin, & then expect me to love you because you say you’re in love with me.  that’s not fair.”

taemin swallows his heartbreak & blinks back the burn in his eyes because he knows it’s not fair.  he hasn’t earned jinki’s love, he has no right to it.  he closes his eyes & breathes deeply, an action jinki mistakes for anger.

“please stay.”  taemin almost loses his composure because jinki’s voice is so soft, so scared, & it’s his fault.  he finds his shoulders pressed beneath jinki’s fingers & opens his eyes to his mate’s nervous gaze.

“i will.”, he says, giving him a soft smile & brushing his fingers over the omega’s face.   

jinki’s watching him, almost convinced but not quite.  he has so many thoughts he wants to share, the myriad of reasons he doesn’t just _need_ taemin to stay but _wants_ him to.  he doesn’t have the words to express them, though, instead simply nodding  & letting taemin kiss his forehead.  he lets him lead him over to their sofa where they take a seat at either end, taemin sprawled in his corner & jinki tucked up in his.

they talk. 

“why did you put yourself up for bonding?”  jinki leans back, looking up at the ceiling.

“it just felt right.  minho & kibum are wonderful & i love them.  they’ve been taking care of me for years & it was time i let them live their lives, to break that dependency.”  he shrugs, shifting his gaze to the floor.  “and i wanted my own family.  i wanted an alpha.”

“and any would do?”  jinki looks up then, his gaze sharp.  taemin wants to apologize but he doesn’t because if they’re going to build this foundation together they need to get every question answered, every secret revealed.

“yes.”  the silence is dead between them & jinki is clenching his jaw.  he hasn’t asked taemin the same but taemin feels compelled to respond to the unasked question.

“junmyeon was happy when he met minjung, and i knew i would never be that way with anyone but you.  and i didn’t even want to try.  it was almost like i wanted to get it over with and move on with my life.  start something new.”

jinki’s gaze softens & his tone is sardonic when he replies “these are both bad reasons to be bonded.”

taemin chuckles because of course they are.

“maybe.  at least the end goal was the same.  a family.”  jinki’s smile is shy as he looks away & they’re both thinking the same thing.  taemin lets the quiet rest on their shoulders a bit before he asks his next question.

“what did you think when our names were announced?”

“that you would say no.”  the answer is so quick it’s disorienting, & he says it to the floor, not meeting taemin’s eyes.  shock leaves him speechless & he’s still trying to form words when jinki looks up again.

“i’m glad you didn’t.”

“so am i.”  jinki laughs through his nose & looks back down at the ground.

“i’m sorry.  for everything.  for not being a friend.  because that’s where everything stems from isn’t it?  selfishness can be forgiven in children, even expected, but as an alpha...”  he lets it hang there, waiting for jinki’s response.

he has none.

instead, jinki tells taemin about the life he lived without him.  how he & jonghyun were more than friends but not much.  how he had been sad when the omega moved away but not heart-broken, & how they still keep in contact, jonghyun often sending silly messages & memes.  he chooses his words carefully & taemin knows there are pieces he’s not being given.  it’s not questions about their relationship jinki skirts away from, but ones about jonghyun directly.  he’s protecting his friend’s secrets & taemin presses no further. 

he tells jinki anecdotes of his life, of moments he missed because taemin had kept him away.  he tells jinki about junmyeon, about how they loved each other but weren’t in love with each other.  how he’d been happy for his boyfriend when he met minjung & that he is godfather to their daughter.  he pulls his phone out to show her picture to jinki & watches his face soften as his mate looks at the baby wrapped in a lavender blanket.  he’ll need to tell jinki that his scent has changed.  it’s tradition.

jinki tells taemin about his life with minho & kibum, & the alpha laughs at the antics the three had gotten up to, the male & female betas kibum had scared away from jinki just by being himself.  taemin watches his mate’s face light up as he talks about his friends, jealous.  it’s immature, he knows, especially as he’s just told him about his own boyfriend.  but there’s a part of him still that resents minho being able to give something to jinki that he hadn’t been able to.  and not just during his heats: minho has been jinki’s friend. 

they dance around the topic of jongin.  taemin knows he should let jinki explain but he doesn’t want to think too hard about it.  but he also doesn’t want his mate to think that he has to hide any aspect of his life.

and it would be selfish not to ask.

but there’s something else he wants to know, a piece of the puzzle of jinki that doesn’t quite fit.

“why minho?”

“what?”

“when you began going into heat.  why minho?  why not jonghyun?”  jinki has the same look as before & taemin wants to know what it is about jonghyun’s name that sets it on his face.

“helping an omega through an unknotted heat is not something jonghyun was ever comfortable with.”  it’s clear that’s all the information he will be given & taemin nods as though he understands.  “minho is honorable, i knew i would be safe with him during & after.  not every omega is so lucky.”

it’s quiet again.  taemin doesn’t know what to add so he lets the silence sit between them.

“jongin’s like minho.”  jinki leaves the statement in the air, fixing his gaze on taemin a little too strongly.  there’s a revelation there, one that he can either accept or brush away in order to maintain his neutral ignorance.  it’s a choice now to know or not, he’s being given full control of the information.

“honorable?”  he keeps his tone calm & inviting, indicating interest in his body language & voice.  he doesn’t want to know but he needs to.  if jinki wants to tell him then he needs to listen.

“he takes care of people when they need it.  what happened between us, it’s not what you think.  i was in heat & already delirious when he found me out in the yard.  he pulled me back into my apartment & fought me off long enough to put me in a bath & lock me inside.”  taemin’s eyes widen & he opens his mouth to speak, the words aborted by jinki’s laughter.

“it may sound cruel, especially now that you’ve seen what a heat is like.  but that’s just the point, isn’t it?  he locked all the doors & windows & sat out in the hall.  he spent three nights there listening to me & making sure i was safe.  he didn’t have to.  he was a young alpha alone with an unbound omega; who would know?  who would care?  it would be my own fault for not taking precautions.”  something shifts in his gaze & taemin wonders what he’s thinking of.  though from his hesitancy in talking about jonghyun he thinks he knows.

“we were caught.  he took blame that wasn’t his to ensure that nothing happened to me.  no one would punish an alpha for being alone with an unbound omega during their heat, but the omega?  it was only his word that kept me from being reprimanded.  he swore he wouldn’t tell anyone.  & if you didn’t know then he must have kept his word.”

now they sit side by side, jinki playing with taemin’s fingers.

he slips their fingers together & rests his head on taemin’s shoulder & they sit in the quiet, thinking.

“we can take care of each other.  we can be friends.”, taemin says.  he keeps his voice neutral because he wants it desperately & he’s messed up before & he might be messing up now.  he doesn’t want to push things, destroy the momentum.  but the chance must be taken & if now is wrong he’d like to know when would be right.

“yes”, jinki murmurs, not moving, “i’d like that.”

their breaths are soft & taemin kisses jinki’s head resting on his shoulder.  it’s not the resolution he wants, one where every fracture is healed & there are no more doubts.  he’s made himself untrustworthy in the omega’s eyes, though, & there are wounds that will take time to heal.  love stays, he thinks, love doesn’t abandon.  he’s never leaving this man again. 


	10. Epilogue

jinki steps into the bedroom, silk pants clinging sinfully to his thighs & a mesh shirt that left so much & so little to taemin’s imagination, fidgeting with the hem of his top, hair pulled back into a tiny ponytail. 

taemin’s eyes widen & his jaw slackens. 

minho & kibum had left their home less than an hour ago.  they had both looked at taemin quizzically after hugging jinki & he had subtly shaken his head, indicating they should keep silent.  kibum had asked how taemin had liked the outfit they picked out for the honeymoon & taemin had looked at jinki confused.  jinki, who’d blushed, said that he hadn’t shown it to taemin yet.  kibum, ignoring both the tone of jinki’s words & the look in his eye, had made jokes that were inappropriate at a dinner table & told taemin that he needed to convince his omega to wear it for him.

“you won’t regret it.”

looking at jinki now he makes a mental note to thank kibum later because...

“fuck.”

“you wanna?”  he laughs because of course jinki would make a joke about this, deflection through humor definitely one of his stronger traits. 

“absolutely.  come here.”  jinki laughs as he steps forward, giggling into taemin’s kiss as his chest & abdomen are caressed beneath the mesh.  it’s languid & soft until taemin slips his hands around the omega’s waist & pulls him on top of himself, laughing at jinki’s squeal as they fall onto the bed.  a few more moments of quiet, unhurried caresses, jinki shivering as taemin’s hands stroke up & down his spine.  he has his mate’s hair in his fingers, carding through it as their lips begin to dance.  his feet are resting on taemin’s & the alpha keeps twisting them, tickling his insoles.  he rolls them over slowly, keeping his hands around jinki’s waist as his lips move away from his mouth.  he follows the map of dots sprinkled over his skin. 

it’s a dance they’ve performed before, their movements fluid & familiar.  tonight, however, they are no longer made of apologies or stifled requests too delicate to make.  little pieces of affection & friendship, love & lust, & every kind thing unspoken are being brought together to create a mosaic that is a reflection of the life they are building together.

when they lie together in the aftermath, fingertips stroking over knuckles, breaths heavy & bearing laughter, taemin leans across & brushes a few strands behind his ear, kissing jinki again because he loves him & he can.  he has a secret jinki already knows but he’s the one who has to expose it: jinki’s body will only be able to keep it hidden for so long.

 

~5 months later~

taemin stands in the doorway watching the omega sleeping in their bed, a bare foot poking out beneath a light grey sheet.  he’s halfway through his pregnancy & is definitely showing, his left hand placed over the gentle swell of his abdomen & his right hand palm down on taemin’s pillow.

this isn't the first time taemin has come home in the middle of the day to find his pregnant mate asleep in bed.  often there would be a half-finished chore as evidence that jinki had been up & about earlier in the day: a half-cleaned kitchen, a basket of laundry to be folded sat next to the sofa, the vacuum out in the middle of the room, cord unplugged & the carpet half covered in suctioned streaks.  he leans against the door post with a hum, a smile on his face as he watches jinki's brows furrow & his lips move, murmuring in his sleep.  taemin rarely understands the things jinki whispers while unconscious, the omega's soft tones too delicate for even the alpha to comprehend. 

at least he has stopped having nightmares. 

pregnancy has been kind to jinki, other than increasing his need for sleep.  his skin glows & he smiles often while rubbing his ever-expanding waist.  friends & strangers compliment him frequently, telling him how beautiful he looks with child.  taemin agrees: he has always thought his mate was beautiful. 

he notices that the hoodie jinki snuck from his dresser isn’t fitting the omega anymore, the material taut against his mate’s pregnant waist.  so he buys a new one & sneaks it through a load of towels before slipping it into his work bag & heading out the door, a kiss pressed to jinki’s forehead.  he wears it through the week, ignoring the perplexed stares as he dances & instructs in a hooded sweatshirt that is two sizes too big, accepting the unexpected hug of approval from kibum.  at the weekend he washes it again, running it through with their sheets once he’s ensured that they will need to be cleaned, & that his mate will be too sated to notice. 

later, when the bed is made & jinki is asleep, he takes the new hoodie & switches it out for the old.  he doesn’t realize that the new one will have a different texture than the old, worn one, & that there are little stains on the old one that won’t match with the new.  he just wants jinki to be comfortable & he wants it to be a surprise.

they’re at the annual winter festival & jinki’s wearing the new hoodie, his arms crossed over his burgeoning belly.  it’s quite cold but not yet freezing, & the thick material over a long-sleeved thermal shirt is enough to keep out the chill.  taemin, of course, is wearing a simple button-up, not the least bit cold in the frosty winter air. 

the fireworks are going to begin soon & they’re standing in the middle of a crowd filled with alphas, betas, & omegas holding up cameras to record the second they do.  taemin is just a bit in front of jinki & neither of them have pulled out their phones: they’re not interested in documenting the event.  taemin turns suddenly, glancing around frantically until he catches jinki’s eye.  he stretches out his hand & jinki takes it, takes the few steps forward until he’s standing next to his mate, lacing their fingers together.

“hey, babe.”, he says, kissing the omega on the cheek.  jinki scrunches up his nose.

“ew.  don’t call me that.”

“ok pal.”  they both chuckle & jinki rests his head against taemin’s shoulder.

“hey pal?”  taemin snickers & kisses jinki’s hair.

“yeah?”

“i love you.”  the black sky lights up with firecrackers celebrating the darkest day of the year & taemin freezes, startled, & for a moment he can’t breathe, his heart pounding in his ears. 

he’s told jinki that he loves him consistently since their honeymoon, unable & unwilling to hold back.  the last few months have been spent showing it, building the trust between them that he should have been cultivating from the beginning instead of hiding from his guilt.  taeyeon was right, some days are hard, & some are so beautiful they take his breath away.  those are the ones he craves.  jinki’s silent response to “i love you”, always a smile & a kiss (to a cheek, to a palm, to a set of knuckles) never wavers, no matter how much they enjoy the day.  it’s disappointing but expected.  taemin knew that it was a choice jinki would make when he felt ready, that he needed time.  

it was worth the wait.

he slips his hand out of jinki’s grip & wraps his arms around him, one hand pressed to his chest & the other to his stomach, jinki’s own coming up to hold onto his wrists.  he kisses his omega’s hair & whispers “i love you” into his ear even though he’s said it a hundred times & it won’t be anything special to jinki.

but it is to him.

because taemin is twenty-one & the boy he’s loved since he was five loves him back.

they watch the fireworks, wrapped in each other’s arms.

 


	11. Collage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a visual edit i made for "mate".


	12. Iconography

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> visuals.

 

final scene.

 

how taemin held jinki at the end.


End file.
